Friday, October 22, 2004

Do you want approval from people?

Let go of needing their approval!

A secret to great communication is to let go of wanting approval
from others. When you no longer need their approval your nerves
will vanish, your self-confidence will soar and you´ll exude
charisma.

I often mention this principle because it is so important. As
long as you must have the permission, approval and
acceptance of your peers you are a victim of their limiting
beliefs.

You must let go of wanting approval if you are to ever have
peace of mind.

The easiest way is to learn The Sedona Method. To get started
right now ask yourself -- could I let go of wanting John´s
approval? Where John is the name of the negative person.

Notice the feeling response that comes up for you and repeat the
question for at least twenty minutes until you feel lighter and
more at peace.

Do this regularly to reclaim your independence from negative
people.

http://groups.msn.com/TheSedonaMethodreleasingClub

Go to this free site now to learn how to let go of wanting approval.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

How to Start a Great Conversation Anytime Anywhere

How to Start a Great Conversation Anytime Anywhere

Even with a complete stranger!

I have produced a new report you are going to love. Let me tell
you...how to quickly and easily start a conversation with anyone
you meet.

Starting a conversation with someone you have never met before
can be stressful and difficult unless you have the right mind-set.
In this report you will learn a straightforward and effective
approach you can start using today.

Before I learned the distinctions I will reveal in this report I
really disliked meeting new people so much that I simply avoided
situations where I would be forced to talk to strangers.

Obviously this attitude was not very clever since it limited my
life to situations and people I was already familiar with. As a
result I missed out on new experiences, making new friends and
visiting places I was keen to see.

I changed the hard way. I had to take a job I didn’t want because
I joined the workforce after graduating from college during a
recession. As a result I started working as a sales person for a
nationwide retailer of household electrical appliances.

I was afraid of dealing with new people and there I was facing
the public day in and day out with nowhere to hide!

I learned how to do small talk, I discovered how to handle a wide
variety of people and little by little I found it easier and
easier to approach complete strangers and to engage them in
lively conversations.

You have it easy! In this report I will share the simple way to
transform your ability to start a conversation with new people.

You will be learning the key distinctions used by gifted
communicators and you will also learn some clever ways to ensure
you always have something to say.

When you order my book you will receive this $37 value report as
an extra bonus with my compliments.


Why am I doing this?

Because I am convinced that when you avail of Your Zero Risk
365-Day Trial you will know...

How to approach new people with confidence even if you never have
before

How to go from feeling tense & nervous to being confident in
moments

The best way to prepare for demanding meetings and social
gatherings

How to command attention when you talk in a way that makes people
listen

The simple way to win the approval of others without fearing
rejection

How to take charge of any fear that stops you being at your very
best

How to deal with overbearing people by taking back control of the
conversation


Order TODAY and take the Zero Risk 365 Day Trial.

http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/

Have Fun,

Peter Murphy

P.S. Have you heard what these people said?


Wow! I'm going to have fun using this stuff! There is no
question excellent communication skills are essential to success
not just for CEO’s – for anyone.

This book gave me step-by-step techniques I can use in every
imaginable communication situation, for every possible challenge.

It boils volumes of information into a compact and potent
resource for communicating powerfully, effectively and
confidently.

This is the latest “must read” for business – or personal –
success. I highly recommend you read this book if you’re serious
about being successful (or if you'd just like to have a lot of
fun communicating with people).

John R. Barker
President, getSynergized.com



Hi [Peter],

Thanks for the email. I had an interview to attend this morning.
It was to do with obtaining an International passport. It was
worrying me sick, but thanks to your mail you managed to install
confidence within me.

I reached the passport office on time, looked the interviewer
right in the eyes just like you advised and in no time the
interview was over. The good news is that the interview was a
success and my passport will be ready within a few days.

Thanks again for making me believe in myself and keep up the
good work.

My hope is that you will continue keeping in touch.

Kind regards,

Muunda Lyabola
Africa, Zambia



With so much hype these days, it's good to find an ebook with
such a high standard of good, solid, actionable information and
advice.

Believe me; this ebook is a sensible, achievable,
step-by-step roadmap to greater personal and business success
grounded in exceptional people skills. It's a value-packed
riveting read!

Noel Peebles, Author of Sell Your Business The Easy Way
www.instantsellbusiness.com



If you follow these staggeringly simple, yet easily 'doable'
lessons...you cannot fail to be more self-confident, at the same
time as having more charisma...whatever work you do.

Peter Murphy gives you some of the most cutting-edge personal
development technology there is, backed up with some stunning
real-life examples. Combine these with the simple, yet very
effective, action steps at the end of each lesson, and you have a
course that will help you literally revolutionize your career.

Gary Vurnum
www.oursuccesspartnership.com


Quick order now at:
http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/

And get the How to Start a Great Conversation Anytime Anywhere report.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Low Stress Communication And Good Conversation

A new article... Low Stress Communication And Good Conversation

Life is all about choices. And so is the way you communicate. You
can fill your days with frustrating high stress communication or
you can have days of low stress effective communication with your
peers. And good conversation.

Now take a moment to learn three ways to have low stress
communication. Good conversation will then follow.


1 Recognize Positive Intentions

When someone you are talking to is unkind, negative or downright
rude it is easy to get annoyed, angry and even aggressive.

However this will just makes the situation worse and even faster
than you can imagine. Good conversation depends on the right outlook.

There is a better way. Instead look for the positive intention of
the person you are talking to. What do I mean?

Ask yourself -- what is the positive intention behind this
behavior?

If the person you are talking to is angry maybe the positive
intention is to express some hurt or frustration. What is
important is looking for a positive not to get the correct answer.

When you assume the person has a positive message hidden
underneath the negative exterior you will have more compassion
and patience and you will not feel so stressed dealing with the
individual.

Low Stress Communication And Good Conversation Is Then A Possibility.


2 Choose Your Own Emotional State

You hear me talking a lot in this blog about managing your
emotional state. Why? Because it is an essential life skill.

Good conversation cannot happen if you are stressed out.

Unless you are in charge of how you feel your ability to
communicate effectively will always be limited and dependent on
other people.

When you are in a potentially stressful situation and everyone
around you is losing their cool this does not mean you have to
join them! You will be able to contribute a lot more if you
remain calm and centered.

Staying calm and resourceful is a choice you can make.
Unfortunately it is all too easy to be a sheep and simply follow
the crowd. Nobody says you have to be a sheep!

Instead make a point of keeping yourself in a resourceful state.
If you need more help with this refer to my book:

http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/


3 Step Outside The Situation

Whenever I am in a highly charged situation I will often step
outside the situation -- in my mind. This helps to defuse the
event for me.

You can do this too. Simply imagine that you are at the other end
of the room watching the interaction between you and the other
person or people.

It is as if you are a neutral observer with no emotional
involvement in the discussion at hand.

When you do this you will think of ideas to handle the
situation better and you will also feel less bothered by the
stress of the other people.

This is one technique you need to play with first in easy
everyday conversations. Once you get familiar with it you will
find it easy to mentally step outside the event while still
participating with the people in front of you.

Stress or relaxation which do you prefer?

Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently produced a very popular free report:10 Simple Steps to Developing Communication Confidence. This report reveals the secret strategies all high achievers use to communicate with charm and impact. Apply now because it is available for a limited time only at: http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm


Want More on Low Stress Communication And Good Conversation? Get that free report now.

Friday, October 08, 2004

Interpersonal Communication in Business

Interpersonal communication in business is a crucial and essential skill that you must master to be successful. Those who neglect interpersonal communication in business notice the difference in their pay slip!

Here are some interesting points, by Azriel Winnett of Hodu.com, we read earlier today...

Ineffective communication is a major, yet avoidable, obstacle to business productivity. And yes, it can be avoided. Given the will, the bleakest of situations can be turned around for the better.

Management must face squarely the challenge of formulating strategies to encourage personnel to communicate effectively.

On the other hand, managers themselves have to set the example. They need to realize that successful communication is no one-way process.

(A Key To Interpersonal Communication in Business)

On the contrary, repricocity is the essence of communication. This applies whether the process is conducted verbally or through the medium of the written word.

Managers are human beings involved with other human beings. They are far more than givers of information or instructions. Communication is as much a matter of human relationships as it as about transmitting facts.

To communicate successfully managers and supervisors have to understand the other person, and have to work hard to get the other person to understand them.

So you see, Ineffective communication is a major, yet avoidable, obstacle to business productivity. And yes, it can be avoided. Given the will, the bleakest of situations can be turned around for the better.

Management must face squarely the challenge of formulating strategies to encourage personnel to communicate effectively. Otherwise interpersonal communication in business breaks down.

On the other hand, managers themselves have to set the example. They need to realize that successful communication is no one-way process.

On the contrary, repricocity is the essence of communication. This applies whether the process is conducted verbally or through the medium of the written word.

Managers are human beings involved with other human beings. They are far more than givers of information or instructions. Communication is as much a matter of human relationships as it as about transmitting facts.

To communicate successfully managers and supervisors have to understand the other person, and have to work hard to get the other person to understand them.

So you see, mastering interpersonal communication in business is a must.

Now, get the free report...

Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently produced a very popular free report:10 Simple Steps to Developing Communication Confidence. This report reveals the secret strategies all high achievers use to communicate with charm and impact. Apply now because it is available for a limited time only at: http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm

Your interpersonal communication in business will improve when you use the strategies in that report.


Wednesday, October 06, 2004

How To Communicate Better

Want To Know How To Communicate Better?

This is an essential skill because when you know how to communicate better new doors open up for you.

One great way is to discover how to handle rude people! If you can handle them you can deal with just about anyone. Read on to learn how to communicate better...

How To Deal With Rude People
by Peter Murphy

Where I live there seems to be a a growing population of
rude and vulgar people. And no matter how hard I wish for
things to change it is not going to happen. It is up to me
to change how I think and feel about these people. The same
applies for you.


1 What Does It Mean When Someone Is Rude?

Your initial angry reaction may be to think the person is a
moron but that only makes matters worse as it will comes
across in the way you talk.

I prefer to view such behavior as evidence that the person
is doing the best he can with what he has. This belief
makes it easier for you to accept the person even though
you may not like his approach.

Look for the good in people and you are a lot more likely
to find it.

This is a secret that those who know how to communicate better use.


2 Is It Your Fault?

When you encounter vulgarity it is worth pausing to ask
yourself have you encouraged this behavior. Maybe you
played along with this gutter talk in the past so the
person thinks you do not mind it.

Or perhaps you have done something that has annoyed the
person so much they cannot control their anger and
annoyance.

In either of these cases it is best to slowly lead the
person back to a polite discussion. You can do this by
asking highly specific questions that force the person to
slow down and think before replying.

When you know how to communicate better this becomes automatic.

If you honestly did not do anything to encourage the
rudeness you are clearly dealing with someone who
habitually talks in this way.

Unless you can change the person you just have to accept
him or her as they are.


3 What Can You Do?

Ultimately you have a choice - avoid dealing with vulgar
people where possible or join them!

Only joking!

Seriously though. If you cannot avoid them you need to
remember how to take charge of conversations. Plus you need
to ensure you remain strong and unaffected by their manner.

In the meantime you can achieve quite a lot by
distinguishing between the person and the way they deliver
their message to you.

Look beyond their words to the real message they are trying
to convey.

We all have a bad day now and again maybe you just bumped
into them while they were stuck at a low point.

Adopt a positive outlook and rudeness will not bother you
as much. And as you appreciate the finer points of how to
communicate better it does get easier over time.

Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently
produced a very popular free report:10 Simple Steps to
Developing Communication Confidence. This report reveals
the secret strategies all high achievers use to communicate
with charm and impact. Apply now because it is available
for a limited time only at:
http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm

Get that report if you want to discover more detailed information on how to communicate better.

Communication skills sites

Some great Communication skills sites are listed at: http://www.workwealth.com/sitemap.html

And if you want a break down look here:

communication skills tips
http://www.workwealth.com/comm-skills/index1.html

communication skills articles
http://www.workwealth.com/comm-skills/index2.html

interpersonal communication tips
http://www.workwealth.com/comm-skills/index3.html

effective communication
http://www.workwealth.com/comm-skills/index4.html

improve communication skills
http://www.workwealth.com/comm-skills/index5.html

better communication skills
http://www.workwealth.com/comm-skills/index6.html

oral communication skills
http://www.workwealth.com/comm-skills/index7.html

tips for communication skill
http://www.workwealth.com/comm-skills/index8.html

articles on communication skills
http://www.workwealth.com/comm-skills/index9.html

improve communication
http://www.workwealth.com/comm-skills/index10.html

how to win friends and influence people
http://www.workwealth.com/comm-skills/index11.html

dale carnegie book
http://www.workwealth.com/comm-skills/index12.html

conversation skills
http://www.workwealth.com/comm-skills/index13.html

art of conversation
http://www.workwealth.com/comm-skills/index14.html

conversation starters
http://www.workwealth.com/comm-skills/index15.html

social skills
http://www.workwealth.com/comm-skills/index16.html

self confidence
http://www.workwealth.com/comm-skills/index17.html

confidence tips
http://www.workwealth.com/comm-skills/index18.html

building self confidence
http://www.workwealth.com/comm-skills/index19.html

how to talk with confidence
http://www.workwealth.com/comm-skills/index20.html

gain self confidence http://www.workwealth.com/comm-skills/index21.html

how to overcome shyness
http://www.workwealth.com/comm-skills/index22.html

overcoming shyness
http://www.workwealth.com/comm-skills/index23.html

I hope you enjoyed browsing those communication skills sites.


Tuesday, October 05, 2004

How to talk to people

This is a new article about how to talk to people. After you read it make sure to apply the tips right away because you will know more about how to talk to people...

How To Avoid Saying Stupid Things When You Meet People
by Peter Murphy

The fear of saying something silly and feeling embarrassed
stops many of us from contributing more to discussions at
work as well as when we are relaxing with friends.

This is especially true when we meet new people. Ironically
the more we worry about it, the more tense we get and the
more likely we are to say something stupid.

Let us a take a look at three simple remedies you can start
using today.

1 Learn To Relax When You Feel Under Pressure

It is very important to manage your emotions if you want to
communicate at your best. This is an essential skill.

There are a wide range of courses and books that you can
refer to if you want to learn more about relaxation.

When you feel relaxed it is easier to think on your feet
and to be flexible when you need to be. Make a point of
incorporating a relaxation exercise into your day.


2 Prepare Yourself

Before a social gathering get ready to have something to
talk about.

With the internet on your PC there is no excuse for not
becoming well informed about the world. The more knowledge
you have the more conversations you can contribute to.

Make a point though of reading up on a variety of subjects
otherwise your conversation topics will be limited to what
interests you the most. And those topics may not interest
everyone else as much.

Thorough preparation is the key to making a great
impression.


3 Become Genuinely Interested In Other People

One of the big secrets to conversation power is to shut up!

We are all a lot more interested in ourselves than in
anyone else. Use this insight to direct the conversation to
topics that interest him or her.

When there is a long silence encourage the other person to
talk by asking questions and taking an active interest in
the answers.

Take charge of the situation if you want the conversation to
continue.


4 Mistakes Are Allowed!

If you make a mistake it is not the end of the world but if
you try to hide your error then the situation can become
chaotic very quickly.

It is far better to just admit that you made a mistake.
Also, accept that even smart people get it wrong sometimes.

As long as you accept that you will make mistakes you have
nothing to worry about. Expecting yourself to be perfect is
unfair and just sets you up for failure.

All you need to do now is to decide how you will deal with
these mistakes when they do happen.


5 Enjoy The Silence!

When there is a long silence in a conversation - what
normally passes through your mind? Do you judge it as bad?
Do you feel under pressure to speak?

The other person has created the silence with you. Why not
wait for him to speak first? Take the responsibility off
your shoulders. It takes at least two people to have a
conversation.

Finally, the reason silence can be uncomfortable is because
you become self-conscious. You become very aware of your
own thoughts and feelings

There is one great way to deal with this. Put your
attention on something outside of yourself by paying great
attention to the other person and whatever is going on
around you in the room.

Become fascinated by what you see and hear and you will
forget about your own concerns.

Now, go and use these tips today...

Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently
produced a very popular free report:10 Simple Steps to
Developing Communication Confidence. This report reveals
the secret strategies all high achievers use to communicate
with charm and impact. Apply now because it is available
for a limited time only at:
http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm

How to talk to people is easier when you read the report offered above.

Saturday, October 02, 2004

Social Phobia - understanding social phobia and what to do about it

You need to understand social phobia to learn how to handle it...

Many people have 'butterflies' or minor nerves before a date, party, or some other event that will put them on public display, but that usually does not prevent them from attending. A true social phobia is an overwhelming fear, which in extreme cases can keep the sufferer housebound and isolated for long periods of time. They are abnormally afraid of being judged, watched and possibly humiliated in public as a result of their actions, behaviour or appearance.

Social phobia, sometimes known as social anxiety disorder (SAD), is a common form of anxiety disorder that causes sufferers to dread the social interactions and public events of everyday life, e.g. parties, meetings, or even making a phone call or walking into a shop to purchase goods.

Social phobia should not be confused with panic disorder. Sufferers of panic disorder are convinced that their panic comes from some dire physical cause, and often go to the hospital or call for an ambulance during or after their attacks. Social phobics may experience a panic attack when triggered, but they are aware that it is extreme anxiety they are experiencing, and that the cause is an irrational fear.

Few social phobics would willingly go to a hospital in that instance, because they fear rejection and judgement by authority figures (e.g. medical staff.) Dealing with authority figures is particularly difficult for most social phobics, as is making phone inquiries, attending dates, parties and job interviews.

Free report helps with shyness and social phobia...

Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently produced a very popular free report:10 Simple Steps to Developing Communication Confidence. This report reveals the secret strategies all high achievers use to communicate with charm and impact. Apply now because it is available for a limited time only at: http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm

Social phobia has only recently been recognised as a legitimate medical disorder in its own right, rather than being considered a manifestation of other problems. It can often be successfully treated with a combination of cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) and group therapy. Anti-anxiety medication and anti-depressants can also sometimes be useful therapeutic agents.

The most common social phobia is glossophobia, the fear of public speaking or performance, also known as stage fright.

Love shyness and what it is

Ever wonder what love shyness really is? And is there a cure for Love shyness?

Love-shyness is a form of chronic, severe shyness of men or women who have never been able to form sexual or emotionally intimate loving relationships with others, but who have been constrained to remain that way because of severe shyness in informal social situations involving possible sexual partners. It is believed to be the result of a genetic-biologically rooted temperament, and of learning experiences with peers and family.

Love-shyness can be found among people of all ages and of both sexes. However, research evidence indicates that the problem impacts far more severely upon males than it does upon females. Shy women are just as likely as non-shy women to date, to get married, and to have children.

Love-shyness is a life-crippling condition. Victims of love-shyness are unable to marry, cannot have children, and do not participate in the normal adolescent and young adult activities of dating and courtship. Moreover, the heterosexual love-shy are often misperceived as homosexual.

The never-married, heterosexually inactive man has long been known to be vulnerable to all manner of quite serious and often bizarre pathologies. In most cases, these men do not allow themselves to become involved in anything or in any activity, wholesome or otherwise, for which there is any kind of existent social support group. The love-shy do not have anybody to relate to as a friend or to count on for emotional support.

Love-shyness afflicts approximately 1.5 percent of most male populations. More succinctly, love-shyness will effectively prevent many of its male sufferers from ever marrying and from ever experiencing any form of intimate sexual contact with a woman.

Ready to beat love shyness and the shyness that affects your life?

Get this free report....

Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently produced a very popular free report:10 Simple Steps to Developing Communication Confidence. This report reveals the secret strategies all high achievers use to communicate with charm and impact. Use it it turn around your shyness. Apply now because it is available for a limited time only at: http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm




How to beat shyness

Want to beat shyness?

First of all let me tell you what shyness is before telling you where to get a free report that will help you with this challenge...then it will be a lot easier to beat shyness.

Shyness is feeling insecure when:

being among people
talking with people
asking somebody a favor

The more unfamiliar a situation is, the more likely shyness occurs. If such a situation is avoided then it will remain unfamiliar. However, the experience of being uncomfortable or inept in a given situation may cause one to become more shy as one becomes more familiar with that situation. Since shyness can cause discomfort and ineptitude, it may become self-reinforcing.

Makes you want to beat shyness doesn´t it? But how do you go about beating shyness?

Read on to the end for the free report..

Shyness is closely associated with anxiety. Its cause can be a kind of "chicken-and-egg" problem in that sometimes shyness seems to originate with a physical anxiety reaction, while other times it seems to develop first and then it becomes the cause of the physical symptoms of anxiety.

Especially children are sometimes shy towards strangers. This varies greatly with the child, and can also quickly disappear when the child starts feeling at ease.

Somebody may be just shy in some regard. For example, a heterosexual may be shy towards somebody of the opposite sex. Or a performer who is not shy at all on stage may be shy in an interview or in his or her personal life.

A shy child may lose much of his shyness as life passes, but usually he or she always retains some tendency or inclination toward shyness.

While shyness is somewhat of a drawback, the opposite, boldness, can go too far also, e.g. impertinently asking favors or causing other inconvenience. Feigned boldness as a compensation for shyness can have the same problem.

Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently produced a very popular free report:10 Simple Steps to Developing Communication Confidence. This report reveals the secret strategies all high achievers use to communicate with charm and impact. Use it to beat shyness. Apply now because it is available for a limited time only at: http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm

Ready to beat shyness - get that free report on how to beat shyness now!





Is interpersonal communication important?

Does it matter if you have good skills when it comes to Interpersonal communication?

I believe it is crucial for your happiness and success in life. Let me tell you why...

Interpersonal communication refers to communication with another person (also called dyadic communication).

Interpersonal communication is all about:

listening
conversation
summarizing
paraphrasing

Having good interpersonal communication skills support such processes as:

selling
counselling
coaching
mentoring and co-mentoring, which is mentoring in groups
conflict resolution

So, yes it does matter and affects your Interpersonal communication with others and your conversation skills.

Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently produced a very popular free report:10 Simple Steps to Developing Communication Confidence. This report reveals the secret strategies all high achievers use to communicate with charm and impact. Apply now because it is available for a limited time only at: http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm



What is Intrapersonal Communication?

What is Intrapersonal communication? Does it affect how you talk to other people and how your communication skills?

Intrapersonal communication is communication that a person has with him or herself.
Although some might take the position that no communication is needed if only one party is involved, we communicate with ourselves all the time.

Intrapersonal communication can encompass:

Sense-making (see Karl Weick) e.g. interpreting maps, texts, signs, and symbols

Interpreting non-verbal communication (see Albert Mehrabian) e.g. gestures, eye contact

Communication between body parts; e.g. "My stomach is telling me it's time for lunch."

Speaking aloud ("talking to oneself"), reading aloud, repeating what one hears; the additional activities of speaking and hearing (in the third case of hearing again) what one thinks, reads or hears may increase concentration and retention.

Making gestures while thinking: the additional activity, on top of thinking, of body motions, may again increase concentration, assist in problem solving, and assist memory.

Intrapersonal communication is important because when you get it right you feel empowered and this comes across in your communication skills with the outside world.

Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently produced a very popular free report:10 Simple Steps to Developing Communication Confidence. This report reveals the secret strategies all high achievers use to communicate with charm and impact. Apply now because it is available for a limited time only at: http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm

Friday, October 01, 2004

How to Improve Your Conversation Skills

Sharpening Your Conversation Skills Email this article to a friend

By: Brian Tracy

There are three aims and purposes of conversation. The first is the plain enjoyment and pleasure of self-expression and interaction with other people. One of the most enjoyable things we ever do is to spend time with people we like and whose company we find stimulating. This potential pleasure is the driving force behind all of our social activities. We like to get together with people with whom we have a lot in common and just share ideas, letting the conversation go where it will.

The second aim or purpose of conversation is to get to know the other person better. In sales, and in all kinds of business, you require prolonged exposure to another person in order to get a feel for how he or she thinks, feels and reacts. This can’t be accomplished in a short meeting.

The third aim of conversation is to build trust and credibility between the two people. This is perhaps the most important thing we do as we proceed through life and it is only possible with the kind of continuous conversation that reveals us to each other. In our personal relationships, there is no substitute for extended periods of conversation in the development of friendships and more intimate relationships. People who get along very well together have almost invariably spent a lot of time just talking about various subjects as they come up.

One of the very best ways to learn about another person is to spend unbroken time in their company. I’ve found that a two- or three-hour car trip is one of the most revealing experiences you will ever have with another human being. People who have gotten along well for many years, working or socializing together in brief stints, will often find that an extended car trip brings out elements of their personalities that they did not know existed.

Before you enter into any serious business or personal relationship with anyone, you should spend several hours with them experiencing the ebb and flow of sustained conversation. It’s amazing what you will learn.

Many people think that the art of good conversation is to speak in an interesting and arresting fashion, to be noted for your humor, ability to tell stories and your general knowledge of a variety of subjects. Many people feel that, if they want to be better at conversation, they must become more articulate, outgoing and expressive. They must become better talkers.

Nothing could be further from the truth. As you’ve heard many times before, we come into this world with two ears and one mouth and we should use them in that same proportion. In conversation, this simply means that you should listen twice as much as you talk if you want to get a reputation for being an enjoyable person with whom to converse.

The art of good conversation centers very much on your ability to ask questions and to listen attentively to the answers. You can lace the conversation with your insights, ideas, and opinions, but you perfect the art and skill of conversation by perfecting the art and skill of asking good, well-worded questions that direct the conversation and give other people an opportunity to express themselves.

Ask open-ended questions that cannot be answered with a simple “yes” or “no.” Open-ended questions encourage the speaker to expand on his thoughts and comments. And one question will lead to another. You can ask open-ended questions almost endlessly, drawing out of the other person everything that he or she has to say on a particular subject.

In order to be an excellent conversationalist, you must resist the urge to dominate the discussion. The very best conversationalists seem to be low-key, easy-going, cheerful, and genuinely interested in the other person. They seem to be quite content to listen when other people are talking and they make their own contributions to the dialogue rather short and to the point.

In fact, good conversation has an easy ebb and flow, like the tide coming in and going out. Whether it is between two people or among several, the conversation should shift back and forth, with each person getting an opportunity to talk. Conversation in this sense is like a ball that is tossed from person to person, with no one holding on to it for very long.

If you feel that you have been talking for too long, you should stop and ask a question of someone in the group. You will be tossing the conversational ball and giving that individual an opportunity to converse.

Listening is the most important of all skills for successful conversation. Many people are very poor listeners. Since everyone enjoys talking, it takes a real effort to practice the fundamentals of excellent listening and to make them a habit.

Here are the four major rules for active listening in a conversation. They will work for you whether you are conversing with a sales prospect, a business associate, your manager or a friend or member of your family. They are powerful, practical and proven techniques to increase your influence with other people dramatically. The first key to effective listening is for you to listen attentively, without interruptions. When you pay close attention to another person, you convey to that person that you very much value what he or she has to say. This is very flattering to your conversation partners, and they will respond warmly to your attentiveness.

The major reason why most people are poor listeners is that they are busy preparing a reply while the other person is still speaking. In fact, they are not even listening closely to what the other person is saying. They are very much like boxers waiting for the other person to let their guard down so they can jump in with a quick verbal punch and take over the conversation.

But this is not for you. Effective listening requires that you lean slightly forward, face the other person directly, and hang on every word. Listen as though there were nothing else in the world more fascinating to you than what the other person is saying. The very best listeners seem to have developed the knack of making the person who is speaking feel as if he or she were the only person in the world. Good conversationalists can even do this in the middle of a crowded room.

In addition to listening without interrupting, you should also nod, smile and agree with what the person is saying. Be active rather than passive. Indicate that you are totally engaged in the conversation. Make eye contact as the other person talks. Relax your body and, if you are standing, allow your weight to roll forward onto the balls of your feet. Only you will know that you have done this, but the overall impression you will give is that your whole energy is now forward and focused on what the speaker is saying. The second key to effective listening is to pause before replying. A short pause, of three to five seconds, is a very classy thing to do in a conversation. When you pause, you accomplish three goals simultaneously.

First, you avoid running the risk of interrupting if the other person is just catching his or her breath before continuing. Second, you show the other person that you are giving careful consideration to his or her words by not jumping in with your own comments at the earliest opportunity. The third benefit of pausing is that you will actually hear the other person better. His or her words will soak into a deeper level of your mind and you will understand what he or she is saying with greater clarity. By pausing, you mark yourself as a brilliant conversationalist.

The third key to effective listening is to question for clarification. Never assume that you understand what the person is saying or trying to say. Instead, ask, “What do you mean, exactly?” This is the most powerful question I've ever learned for controlling a conversation. It is almost impossible not to answer. When you ask, “What do you mean?” the other person cannot stop himself or herself from answering more extensively. You can then follow up with other open-ended questions and keep the conversation rolling along. The fourth key to effective listening is to paraphrase the speaker’s words in your own words. After you’ve nodded and smiled, you can then say, “Let me see if I’ve got this right. What you’re saying is . . .”

By paraphrasing the speaker’s words, you demonstrate in no uncertain terms that you are genuinely paying attention and making every effort to understand his or her thoughts or feelings. And the wonderful thing is, when you practice effective listening, other people will begin to find you fascinating. They will want to be around you. They will feel relaxed and happy in your presence.

The reason why listening is such a powerful tool in developing the art and skill of conversation is because listening builds trust. The more you listen to another person, the more he or she trusts you and believes in you.

Listening also builds self-esteem. When you listen attentively to another person, his or her self-esteem will naturally increase. Finally, listening builds self-discipline in the listener. Because your mind can process words at 500-600 words per minute, and we can only talk at about 150 words per minute, it takes a real effort to keep your attention focused on another person’s words. If you do not practice self-discipline in conversation, your mind will wander in a hundred different directions. The more you work at paying close attention to what the other person is saying, the more self-disciplined you will become. In other words, by learning to listen well, you actually develop your own character and your own personality.

The final key to becoming a great conversationalist is to practice the friendship factor. The friendship factor is based on the three Cs of caring, courtesy and consideration.

You’ve heard it said that, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” Caring is the catalyst in all good relationships. The people you like the best and who like you the best are the ones with whom you have the most caring relationships. Whenever you show another person that you genuinely care about him or her, you come across better as a conversationalist and as a friend. The second C in the friendship factor is courtesy. It is a magic quality of politeness that causes people to want to be around you. All good conversationalists make other people feel calm and comfortable in their presence. They never do or say anything that could hurt of offend the other person in any way. They are continually diplomatic and they keep their concerns and irritations to themselves. They always remain warm and friendly on the outside. The third C in the friendship factor is consideration. One of the major sources of positive emotions is the feeling that we are respected and considered highly by other people. Whenever you treat another person as an important and worthwhile human being, you trigger this consideration factor. You show that you not only value the conversation, but you value the speaker as well.

Becoming a good conversationalist is based on learning and practicing the Golden Rule. This simply says that you treat other people the way you would like them to treat you. Just as you would like other people to ask you questions about yourself and to listen attentively to you when you talk, others would like the same courtesy extended to them. Remember, the purpose of conversation is not to dominate, control, or be right. The purpose of conversation is to enjoy yourself and to make sure that others enjoy themselves when they are with you.

About Brian Tracy -

Brian Tracy is a leading authority on personal and business success. As Chairman and CEO of Brian Tracy International, he is the best-selling author of 17 books and over 300 audio and video learning programs. Join Brian's Free Email Newsletters. . Copyright © 2001 Brian Tracy International. All Rights Reserved.

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