When you have an important event to attend there are 7 great ways to make sure you perform at your very best.
These tips are relevant for social events and business meetings. Discover how to communicate with confidence while making great conversation.
1. Decide what you want to say before the event. Review it in your mind to make sure it sounds okay. Keep rehearsing it until you can say it with conviction and confidence.
2. Consider your potential listeners. Who will you be talking to and which topics of conversation will be welcome? You need to make sure your message matches your audience.
3.Be yourself. The worst mistake is to pretend you are something you are not. People will see through you and distrust everything you say. Even if you communicate clearly and with confidence.
4. Never expect things to work out perfectly. Be ready to deal with problems by deciding in advance what you will do. What will you do if people ignore your input? Now is the time to decide and not later on in the heat of the moment.
5. Be flexible in your approach. Different people need to be treated differently. Pay very close attention to how people respond to what you say and keep adjusting your approach until you have a good rapport with your listener.
6. Make the other person the focus of your attention and let him lead the conversation in the early stages. Let that person steer the conversation onto topics that are of interest to him.
7. Anticipate what could go wrong. Then do what you can to make sure those scenarios do not occur. Adequate planning is the key to performing at your best in the moment.
Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently
produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to
Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because
it is available for a limited time only at:
http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm
Discover how to have great conversation skills, how to make small talk and how to overcome shyness and nerves when meeting new people. Superior communication skills are a question of strategy. Learn the right approach and excellent people skills are inevitable. Your confidence will soar! This blog is managed by Peter Murphy, peak performance expert and published author.
Friday, August 27, 2004
How to Solve Disputes with the Helicopter Talk Technique
Do you ever find that when a friend asks for your opinion on a
problem it is a lot easier for you to see a solution than it is
for your friend?
And do you also find that sometimes you feel completely stuck
when it comes to your own problems?
The same applies to disputes, relationship issues and
disagreements.
When you are part of the problem it can be very difficult to see
a solution. What you need at times like this is a helicopter!
Helicopter Talk Technique:
1 Imagine you are in a helicopter flying high above the town you
live in. Now travel to where you last had a dispute with a family
member, friend or work mate.
2 From the safety and distance of the helicopter above rerun the
last conversation when the trouble flared up. Watch the scene
unfold and pay attention to how you communicated rather than who
was in the right.
3 Ask yourself:
-- how could you have handled the situation better?
-- what could you have done differently?
-- what is the solution to the problem?
Your goal is to be emotionally detached yet concerned with
finding the best solution in the same way you help a friend with
a problem.
4 Imagine a trusted friend is in the helicopter observing:
-- what advice would your friend give you?
-- what does your friend notice that you missed?
Your own private helicopter can be used to identify patterns of
communication you have that land you in hot water as well as new
ways of dealing with problems.
Have fun in the sky!
Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently
produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to
Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because
it is available for a limited time only at:
http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm
problem it is a lot easier for you to see a solution than it is
for your friend?
And do you also find that sometimes you feel completely stuck
when it comes to your own problems?
The same applies to disputes, relationship issues and
disagreements.
When you are part of the problem it can be very difficult to see
a solution. What you need at times like this is a helicopter!
Helicopter Talk Technique:
1 Imagine you are in a helicopter flying high above the town you
live in. Now travel to where you last had a dispute with a family
member, friend or work mate.
2 From the safety and distance of the helicopter above rerun the
last conversation when the trouble flared up. Watch the scene
unfold and pay attention to how you communicated rather than who
was in the right.
3 Ask yourself:
-- how could you have handled the situation better?
-- what could you have done differently?
-- what is the solution to the problem?
Your goal is to be emotionally detached yet concerned with
finding the best solution in the same way you help a friend with
a problem.
4 Imagine a trusted friend is in the helicopter observing:
-- what advice would your friend give you?
-- what does your friend notice that you missed?
Your own private helicopter can be used to identify patterns of
communication you have that land you in hot water as well as new
ways of dealing with problems.
Have fun in the sky!
Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently
produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to
Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because
it is available for a limited time only at:
http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm
Happy Talk and 3 Simple Secrets to Happiness
What is the one thing you want more than anything else for the
people you love the most? If you had a magic wand what would you
grant your family and friends? What is it that everyone wants?
To be happy!
How can you make other people happy until you are happy? How can
you be happy?
Lester Levenson, creator of The Sedona Method, discovered the key
to happiness. He searched for 47 years and nearly died in the
process but he did find it. Do you want to know what it is?
Lester had a breakthrough after much soul searching and found out
how to be happy only after reviewing his entire life. He spotted
a common pattern, one that was present in every happy moment.
Whenever he was feeling love towards another person he felt happy.
And whenever he felt any other feeling he was not happy.
Test this principle for yourself. Think of a time when you were
blissfully happy. Did you feel loving at that time? This works for
me every time. Is this easy or what? Simply amazing!
If this sounds too simple to work I know that you have not tested
it for yourself. Turning on a light bulb is easy too only because
someone else figured it out!
Now it is time for Happy Talk or how to talk in a way that makes
your family and friends happy...
1 Be Happy Yourself
Spend twenty minutes asking yourself:
- who do I love most in my life?
- what do I love most about myself?
- what things do I love most in my life?
After doing this exercise you will feel much happier. And you
will have done it without having to spend any money on expensive
clothes, cars or holidays!
2 Spread the happiness
Now that you feel happy you will radiate this to whoever you
spend time with. Happiness is infectious. Just be yourself and
top up the happiness by quietly asking yourself the above three
questions when you are in company.
3 Show your friends and family how to be happy
Depending on how well you know your friends you may want to
approach this step in one of two ways.
If you want to play it safe ask your friend to talk about times
when she was happy. Let her talk and just listen as she relives
those wonderful times from the past.
Share your own favorite moments too. Enjoy yourself!
If the people you are with are more open to the ideas we are
discussing here take them through the steps I covered above in
section one. Ask them these questions:
- who do you love most in my life?
- what do you love most about myself?
- what things do you love most in my life?
The Dalai Lama teaches that the purpose of life is to be happy.
Go on and live a life of purpose with your family and friends!
Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently
produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to
Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because
it is available for a limited time only at:
http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm
people you love the most? If you had a magic wand what would you
grant your family and friends? What is it that everyone wants?
To be happy!
How can you make other people happy until you are happy? How can
you be happy?
Lester Levenson, creator of The Sedona Method, discovered the key
to happiness. He searched for 47 years and nearly died in the
process but he did find it. Do you want to know what it is?
Lester had a breakthrough after much soul searching and found out
how to be happy only after reviewing his entire life. He spotted
a common pattern, one that was present in every happy moment.
Whenever he was feeling love towards another person he felt happy.
And whenever he felt any other feeling he was not happy.
Test this principle for yourself. Think of a time when you were
blissfully happy. Did you feel loving at that time? This works for
me every time. Is this easy or what? Simply amazing!
If this sounds too simple to work I know that you have not tested
it for yourself. Turning on a light bulb is easy too only because
someone else figured it out!
Now it is time for Happy Talk or how to talk in a way that makes
your family and friends happy...
1 Be Happy Yourself
Spend twenty minutes asking yourself:
- who do I love most in my life?
- what do I love most about myself?
- what things do I love most in my life?
After doing this exercise you will feel much happier. And you
will have done it without having to spend any money on expensive
clothes, cars or holidays!
2 Spread the happiness
Now that you feel happy you will radiate this to whoever you
spend time with. Happiness is infectious. Just be yourself and
top up the happiness by quietly asking yourself the above three
questions when you are in company.
3 Show your friends and family how to be happy
Depending on how well you know your friends you may want to
approach this step in one of two ways.
If you want to play it safe ask your friend to talk about times
when she was happy. Let her talk and just listen as she relives
those wonderful times from the past.
Share your own favorite moments too. Enjoy yourself!
If the people you are with are more open to the ideas we are
discussing here take them through the steps I covered above in
section one. Ask them these questions:
- who do you love most in my life?
- what do you love most about myself?
- what things do you love most in my life?
The Dalai Lama teaches that the purpose of life is to be happy.
Go on and live a life of purpose with your family and friends!
Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently
produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to
Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because
it is available for a limited time only at:
http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm
Three Great Ways to Deal with Negative People
1 Do not believe everything you hear!
With close friends and family it is not unusual to think that you
ought to take onboard everything you hear. However do not confuse
caring with knowing.
Just because someone is concerned for your welfare does not mean
that their advice or input has value. For example, I know a lot
about peak performance. I do not know much about car maintenance.
If I ever offer you advice on rebuilding a car engine run as fast
as you can! My input would have little or no value.
Likewise with friends and family. They may be negative about you,
your plans and your opinions simply because they lack the
knowledge to think positively about the situation. Their
ignorance causes them to fear for your welfare.
Distinguish between caring and the knowledge to offer worthwhile
input.
2 Let go of needing their approval:
I often mention this principle because it is so important. As
long as you must have the permission, approval and
acceptance of your peers you are a victim of their limiting
beliefs.
You must let go of wanting approval if you are to ever have
peace of mind.
The easiest way is to learn The Sedona Method. To get started
right now ask yourself -- could I let go of wanting John´s
approval? Where John is the name of the negative person.
Notice the feeling response that comes up for you and repeat the
question for at least twenty minutes until you feel lighter and
more at peace.
Do this regularly to reclaim your independence from negative
people.
3 Eliminate your own negative thoughts:
Often friends reflect back the negatives you quietly hold inside
your own mind. If you were 100 per cent positive about your life
and your plans it would not matter if people close to you were
negative.
In fact their negative comments might even make you laugh because
their opinions would seem so absurd to you.
You can become more positive by reading books that expand your
knowledge and understanding, spending more time with positive,
dynamic people and by stretching yourself daily.
By stretching I mean challenging yourself to perform better than
your previous best. When you make stretching to be more part of
your life your belief in what is possible grows and grows at a
furious pace. Before long you will not have room for negative
thoughts.
Choose to find a positive in all things and it quickly becomes a
habit that will transform your experience of life. I am always
asking myself:
-- what is good about this?
-- what is great about this?
-- what have I learned from this that makes me stronger?
Ask yourself the right questions and redirect your mind back onto
the positive.
Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently
produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to
Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because
it is available for a limited time only at:
http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm
With close friends and family it is not unusual to think that you
ought to take onboard everything you hear. However do not confuse
caring with knowing.
Just because someone is concerned for your welfare does not mean
that their advice or input has value. For example, I know a lot
about peak performance. I do not know much about car maintenance.
If I ever offer you advice on rebuilding a car engine run as fast
as you can! My input would have little or no value.
Likewise with friends and family. They may be negative about you,
your plans and your opinions simply because they lack the
knowledge to think positively about the situation. Their
ignorance causes them to fear for your welfare.
Distinguish between caring and the knowledge to offer worthwhile
input.
2 Let go of needing their approval:
I often mention this principle because it is so important. As
long as you must have the permission, approval and
acceptance of your peers you are a victim of their limiting
beliefs.
You must let go of wanting approval if you are to ever have
peace of mind.
The easiest way is to learn The Sedona Method. To get started
right now ask yourself -- could I let go of wanting John´s
approval? Where John is the name of the negative person.
Notice the feeling response that comes up for you and repeat the
question for at least twenty minutes until you feel lighter and
more at peace.
Do this regularly to reclaim your independence from negative
people.
3 Eliminate your own negative thoughts:
Often friends reflect back the negatives you quietly hold inside
your own mind. If you were 100 per cent positive about your life
and your plans it would not matter if people close to you were
negative.
In fact their negative comments might even make you laugh because
their opinions would seem so absurd to you.
You can become more positive by reading books that expand your
knowledge and understanding, spending more time with positive,
dynamic people and by stretching yourself daily.
By stretching I mean challenging yourself to perform better than
your previous best. When you make stretching to be more part of
your life your belief in what is possible grows and grows at a
furious pace. Before long you will not have room for negative
thoughts.
Choose to find a positive in all things and it quickly becomes a
habit that will transform your experience of life. I am always
asking myself:
-- what is good about this?
-- what is great about this?
-- what have I learned from this that makes me stronger?
Ask yourself the right questions and redirect your mind back onto
the positive.
Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently
produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to
Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because
it is available for a limited time only at:
http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm
4 Ways To Avoid Looking Stupid When Making Small Talk
The fear of saying something silly and feeling embarrassed stops
many of us from contributing more to discussions at work and when
we are relaxing with friends.
And ironically the more we worry about it, the more tense we get
and the more likely we are to say something stupid.
Let us a take a look at some remedies:
1 Learn to relax when you feel under pressure.
I often talk about the importance of managing your emotions
This is an essential skill.
There are a wide range of courses and books that you can refer to
if you want to learn more about relaxation.
When you feel relaxed it is easier to think on your feet and to be
flexible when you need to be.
2 Prepare Yourself
Before a social gathering get ready to have something to talk about.
With the internet on your PC there is no excuse for not becoming
well informed about the world. The more knowledge you have the more
conversations you can contribute to.
Make a point though of reading up on a variety of subjects otherwise
your conversation topics will be limited to what interests you the
most. And those topics may not interest your friends as much.
3 Become genuinely interested in other people
One of the big secrets to conversation power is to shut up! We
are all a lot more interested in ourselves than in anyone else.
When there is a long silence encourage the other person to talk
by asking questions and taking an active interest in the answers.
Take charge of the situation if you want the conversation to
continue.
4 Stupid Statements Are Allowed!
If you say something stupid it is not the end of the world. If
you try to hide your error then the situation can become chaotic
very quickly.
It is far better to just admit that you made a mistake. Also,
accept that even smart people say stupid things some times.
As long as you accept that you will make mistakes you have
nothing to worry about. Expecting yourself to be perfect is
unfair and just sets you up for failure.
All you need to do now is to decide how you will deal with these
mistakes when they do happen.
5 Enjoy The Silence!
When there is a long silence in a conversation what normally
passes through your mind? Do you judge it as bad? Do you feel
under pressure to speak?
The other person has created the silence with you. Why not wait
for him to speak first? Take the responsibility off your shoulders.
It takes at least two people to have a conversation.
Finally, the reason silence can be uncomfortable is because you
become self conscious. You become very aware of your own thoughts
and feelings
There is one great way to deal with this. Put your attention on
something outside of yourself by paying great attention to the
other person and whatever is going on around you in the room.
Become fascinated by what you see and hear and you will forget
about your own concerns.
Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently
produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to
Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because
it is available for a limited time only at:
http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm
many of us from contributing more to discussions at work and when
we are relaxing with friends.
And ironically the more we worry about it, the more tense we get
and the more likely we are to say something stupid.
Let us a take a look at some remedies:
1 Learn to relax when you feel under pressure.
I often talk about the importance of managing your emotions
This is an essential skill.
There are a wide range of courses and books that you can refer to
if you want to learn more about relaxation.
When you feel relaxed it is easier to think on your feet and to be
flexible when you need to be.
2 Prepare Yourself
Before a social gathering get ready to have something to talk about.
With the internet on your PC there is no excuse for not becoming
well informed about the world. The more knowledge you have the more
conversations you can contribute to.
Make a point though of reading up on a variety of subjects otherwise
your conversation topics will be limited to what interests you the
most. And those topics may not interest your friends as much.
3 Become genuinely interested in other people
One of the big secrets to conversation power is to shut up! We
are all a lot more interested in ourselves than in anyone else.
When there is a long silence encourage the other person to talk
by asking questions and taking an active interest in the answers.
Take charge of the situation if you want the conversation to
continue.
4 Stupid Statements Are Allowed!
If you say something stupid it is not the end of the world. If
you try to hide your error then the situation can become chaotic
very quickly.
It is far better to just admit that you made a mistake. Also,
accept that even smart people say stupid things some times.
As long as you accept that you will make mistakes you have
nothing to worry about. Expecting yourself to be perfect is
unfair and just sets you up for failure.
All you need to do now is to decide how you will deal with these
mistakes when they do happen.
5 Enjoy The Silence!
When there is a long silence in a conversation what normally
passes through your mind? Do you judge it as bad? Do you feel
under pressure to speak?
The other person has created the silence with you. Why not wait
for him to speak first? Take the responsibility off your shoulders.
It takes at least two people to have a conversation.
Finally, the reason silence can be uncomfortable is because you
become self conscious. You become very aware of your own thoughts
and feelings
There is one great way to deal with this. Put your attention on
something outside of yourself by paying great attention to the
other person and whatever is going on around you in the room.
Become fascinated by what you see and hear and you will forget
about your own concerns.
Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently
produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to
Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because
it is available for a limited time only at:
http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm
3 Secrets to Developing Superior People Skills
1. If What You Are Doing Is Not Working Change Your Approach
When I was in school I always had a small group of close friends
but I never found it easy meeting new people. By the time I
reluctantly entered the work force it was clear that my
communication skills were limiting my progress.
The fact that I was as capable or even more capable than my
peers meant little when I was unable to create a favorable
impression.
I needed to become a lot more confident, dynamic and charming.
And I did. I changed my approach once I learned how to by
studying advanced communication skills.
What would have happened if I did not change my approach? Year
after year I would have become more and more frustrated and
bitter.
I could easily have adopted the world view that nothing ever
works out for me and before long I would have spent most of my
time with other negative people.
Things do not change until you change. Doing nothing is not an
option in case you actually think it is. The trend will continue
and reach its natural conclusion until you change the trend.
Decide to change and look for answers. The clock is ticking. And
the time to begin is now.
2. Learn From People Who Get Results
It is easy to get advice when you have a problem. Everyone has an
opinion! However unless that person has proven expertise in that
area be careful about following his advice.
On the other hand when you want to become better at something all
you really need to do is to open your eyes. Who do you know who
excels at that activity? Who has already solved that problem in
their own life?
Recently I was walking around town with a friend who invests in
property. Now a lot of people own their own home and even a
second home. This man is different. He owns several million
dollars worth of residential property and a hotel.
Maybe he would be a good person to talk to if you want to learn
how to make money in property!
As we walked around I asked him lots and lots of questions. He
is very patient with me! I was amazed how much I could learn in
minutes just by asking the right questions of someone with the
right answers.
3. Invest In Your Future
I have always been fascinated at how quickly my life can change
once I learn and use new distinctions. Think about it. The only
thing stopping you from succeeding in any area of life is a lack
of knowledge. And if you commit to learning you can bridge that
gap.
Let us say your goal is to be the CEO of the largest company in
your town or city.
What is stopping you?
Knowledge and skills. And these can be learned. You can acquire
the knowledge and mental skills, the people skills and the
ability to handle pressure.
Obviously you will choose a goal that will make you happy and
avoid occupations that you are not suited to. You will naturally
favor goals that build on your interests and aptitudes.
How are you going to quickly acquire the skills you need to move
ahead in your life? The fastest way is to invest money in courses
and books that reveal the strategies you need.
Consider how much money you spend each year to service your car.
The cost of oil changes, new tires and other repairs. Not to
mention insurance.
Do you spend this much on servicing and upgrading your skills?
And No this is not the responsibility of your employer. Your
company only spends on you to achieve the corporate goals not
your goals.
The first time I attended a huge three day personal development
seminar it was with several thousand people. And I learned a lot
in the car park! I noticed at 3 A.M. when the first day ended
that the car park was full of very expensive luxury cars.
Porsche, Rolls Royce, Jaguar, Bentley and Ferrari.
It was then that I understood what separates the most successful
people from everyone else. A lifetime commitment to learning and
a willingness to invest in their own development.
Do you want to step up and join those at the top of your field?
It is easier than you think because most people prefer to do
nothing and hope that things will somehow get better.
Take action and invest today in a bright new future.
Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently
produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to
Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because
it is available for a limited time only at:
http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm
When I was in school I always had a small group of close friends
but I never found it easy meeting new people. By the time I
reluctantly entered the work force it was clear that my
communication skills were limiting my progress.
The fact that I was as capable or even more capable than my
peers meant little when I was unable to create a favorable
impression.
I needed to become a lot more confident, dynamic and charming.
And I did. I changed my approach once I learned how to by
studying advanced communication skills.
What would have happened if I did not change my approach? Year
after year I would have become more and more frustrated and
bitter.
I could easily have adopted the world view that nothing ever
works out for me and before long I would have spent most of my
time with other negative people.
Things do not change until you change. Doing nothing is not an
option in case you actually think it is. The trend will continue
and reach its natural conclusion until you change the trend.
Decide to change and look for answers. The clock is ticking. And
the time to begin is now.
2. Learn From People Who Get Results
It is easy to get advice when you have a problem. Everyone has an
opinion! However unless that person has proven expertise in that
area be careful about following his advice.
On the other hand when you want to become better at something all
you really need to do is to open your eyes. Who do you know who
excels at that activity? Who has already solved that problem in
their own life?
Recently I was walking around town with a friend who invests in
property. Now a lot of people own their own home and even a
second home. This man is different. He owns several million
dollars worth of residential property and a hotel.
Maybe he would be a good person to talk to if you want to learn
how to make money in property!
As we walked around I asked him lots and lots of questions. He
is very patient with me! I was amazed how much I could learn in
minutes just by asking the right questions of someone with the
right answers.
3. Invest In Your Future
I have always been fascinated at how quickly my life can change
once I learn and use new distinctions. Think about it. The only
thing stopping you from succeeding in any area of life is a lack
of knowledge. And if you commit to learning you can bridge that
gap.
Let us say your goal is to be the CEO of the largest company in
your town or city.
What is stopping you?
Knowledge and skills. And these can be learned. You can acquire
the knowledge and mental skills, the people skills and the
ability to handle pressure.
Obviously you will choose a goal that will make you happy and
avoid occupations that you are not suited to. You will naturally
favor goals that build on your interests and aptitudes.
How are you going to quickly acquire the skills you need to move
ahead in your life? The fastest way is to invest money in courses
and books that reveal the strategies you need.
Consider how much money you spend each year to service your car.
The cost of oil changes, new tires and other repairs. Not to
mention insurance.
Do you spend this much on servicing and upgrading your skills?
And No this is not the responsibility of your employer. Your
company only spends on you to achieve the corporate goals not
your goals.
The first time I attended a huge three day personal development
seminar it was with several thousand people. And I learned a lot
in the car park! I noticed at 3 A.M. when the first day ended
that the car park was full of very expensive luxury cars.
Porsche, Rolls Royce, Jaguar, Bentley and Ferrari.
It was then that I understood what separates the most successful
people from everyone else. A lifetime commitment to learning and
a willingness to invest in their own development.
Do you want to step up and join those at the top of your field?
It is easier than you think because most people prefer to do
nothing and hope that things will somehow get better.
Take action and invest today in a bright new future.
Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently
produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to
Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because
it is available for a limited time only at:
http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm
3 Easy Steps to Low Stress Communication
Life is all about choices. And so is the way you communicate. You
can fill your days with frustrating high stress communication or
you can have days of low stress effective communication with your
peers.
Now take a moment to learn three ways to have low stress
communication.
1 Recognize Positive Intentions
When someone you are talking to is unkind, negative or downright
rude it is easy to get annoyed, angry and even aggressive.
However this will just makes the situation worse and even faster
than you can imagine.
There is a better way. Instead look for the positive intention of
the person you are talking to. What do I mean?
Ask yourself -- what is the positive intention behind this
behavior?
If the person you are talking to is angry maybe the positive
intention is to express some hurt or frustration. What is
important is looking for a positive not to get the correct answer.
When you assume the person has a positive message hidden
underneath the negative exterior you will have more compassion
and patience and you will not feel so stressed dealing with the
individual.
2 Choose Your Own Emotional State
I talk a lot about the importance of managing your
emotional state. Why? Because it is an essential life skill.
Unless you are in charge of how you feel your ability to
communicate effectively will always be limited and dependent on
other people.
When you are in a potentially stressful situation and everyone
around you is losing their cool this does not mean you have to
join them! You will be able to contribute a lot more if you
remain calm and centered.
Staying calm and resourceful is a choice you can make.
Unfortunately it is all too easy to be a sheep and simply follow
the crowd. Nobody says you have to be a sheep!
Instead make a point of keeping yourself in a resourceful state.
3 Step Outside The Situation
Whenever I am in a highly charged situation I will often step
outside the situation -- in my mind. This helps to defuse the
event for me.
You can do this too. Simply imagine that you are at the other end
of the room watching the interaction between you and the other
person or people.
It is as if you are a neutral observer with no emotional
involvement in the discussion at hand.
When you do this you will think of ideas to handle the
situation better and you will also feel less bothered by the
stress of the other people.
This is one technique you need to play with first in easy
everyday conversations. Once you get familiar with it you will
find it easy to mentally step outside the event while still
participating with the people in front of you.
Stress or relaxation which do you prefer?
Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently
produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to
Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because
it is available for a limited time only at:
http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm
can fill your days with frustrating high stress communication or
you can have days of low stress effective communication with your
peers.
Now take a moment to learn three ways to have low stress
communication.
1 Recognize Positive Intentions
When someone you are talking to is unkind, negative or downright
rude it is easy to get annoyed, angry and even aggressive.
However this will just makes the situation worse and even faster
than you can imagine.
There is a better way. Instead look for the positive intention of
the person you are talking to. What do I mean?
Ask yourself -- what is the positive intention behind this
behavior?
If the person you are talking to is angry maybe the positive
intention is to express some hurt or frustration. What is
important is looking for a positive not to get the correct answer.
When you assume the person has a positive message hidden
underneath the negative exterior you will have more compassion
and patience and you will not feel so stressed dealing with the
individual.
2 Choose Your Own Emotional State
I talk a lot about the importance of managing your
emotional state. Why? Because it is an essential life skill.
Unless you are in charge of how you feel your ability to
communicate effectively will always be limited and dependent on
other people.
When you are in a potentially stressful situation and everyone
around you is losing their cool this does not mean you have to
join them! You will be able to contribute a lot more if you
remain calm and centered.
Staying calm and resourceful is a choice you can make.
Unfortunately it is all too easy to be a sheep and simply follow
the crowd. Nobody says you have to be a sheep!
Instead make a point of keeping yourself in a resourceful state.
3 Step Outside The Situation
Whenever I am in a highly charged situation I will often step
outside the situation -- in my mind. This helps to defuse the
event for me.
You can do this too. Simply imagine that you are at the other end
of the room watching the interaction between you and the other
person or people.
It is as if you are a neutral observer with no emotional
involvement in the discussion at hand.
When you do this you will think of ideas to handle the
situation better and you will also feel less bothered by the
stress of the other people.
This is one technique you need to play with first in easy
everyday conversations. Once you get familiar with it you will
find it easy to mentally step outside the event while still
participating with the people in front of you.
Stress or relaxation which do you prefer?
Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently
produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to
Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because
it is available for a limited time only at:
http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm
How to Kill Fear When Dealing with Aggressive People
The book Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers is
regarded as a self help classic. Have you read it?
I read it many years ago and I was disappointed by the content
of this book that has helped a lot of people take control of
their fears. Why? Because I believe we all have the power to go
far beyond feeling the fear.
And I really think it is important to learn how to transform fear
into courage by learning how to use more of your mind and how to
take charge of your emotions.
There are two ways to take fear and transform it into a different
emotional state:
- Release the fear by letting go of it.
- Change the way you represent the experience so that it no
longer makes you feel fearful.
Today I want to look at changing how you represent experiences to
yourself.
1 Pick a person you deal with on a regular basis who you find
intimidating. Get started by choosing someone who causes you to
feel mild fear.
2 Ask yourself -- what does it get me feeling fear around this
person?
Typically you will answer that the fear causes you to be more
alert and careful. However the irony is that when you feel fear
you are less capable of responding well to the challenges of the
situation.
Let me give you an example. When I lived the corporate sales life
a number of years ago I had a crazy boss.
He would scream down the phone at me, thump the desk with his
fist in meetings and threaten to fire me if certain goals were
not achieved. I never took this personally because he treated
other people in the same way. Still I did feel fear when dealing
with him.
What did I get by feeling fear?
It meant I was careful to say the right thing and to do my job to
the best of my abilities to ensure he had no reason to have
another go at me.
Nevertheless it was not an ideal situation!
3 If you cannot influence the behavior of the intimidator change
how you feel.
In the case of my boss I matched his behavior to get rapport.
When he shouted at me I raised my voice to speak back. When he
slammed the desk I became more animated in how I talked and I
used my hands more when expressing myself.
This pacing will help. However it is not enough you also need to
change how you feel.
Before you start working with the following approach make sure
you are feeling energetic and resourceful otherwise you could get
dragged back into the fear itself.
Now take a recent encounter with the intimidator and run the
scene in your mind as if you are watching it on TV. Pretend you
are outside the event watching as a bystander.
Next, distort the images until the other person looks absurd.
Dress the person in silly clothes or even no clothes! Change
their voice until it sounds squeaky like a cartoon character.
Slow down their speech until it sounds like a worn out tape. Then
speed up the speech until they sound like a bumble bee.
Play the scene backwards, upside down or with zero gravity. Do
whatever you have to until the scene is ludicrous.
Keep playing with the sounds and images until you are either
laughing or at least smiling when you think of the intimidator.
At this point you have turned fear into a more resourceful
emotional state. Well done!
When you are new to this technique you will need to run through
it several times until you get the hang of it. And for difficult
situations I recommend using it daily to shake off those
unpleasant feelings of fear you have associated to that person.
4 Keep the benefits of the fear and not the fear itself
After step 2 above you know how your fear is serving you.
Let us say the fear gives you alertness, safety and carefulness.
How are you going to behave carefully around the intimidator
without feeling the fear?
You need to write down or run through likely scenarios in your
mind until you are well prepared to handle whatever is thrown at
you.
This step is very important and you are in trouble if you skip it.
In my case I was mentally ready to work elsewhere, I saved up
some money so that if I did get fired it would not be the end of
the world and I was always careful to only promise what I knew I
could deliver.
If I had just changed how I felt without dealing effectively
with the situation I would have been in a very difficult
situation.
Your goal ought to be to feel resourceful and to be intelligent
in how you deal with difficult people.
Using these tips will help you. How much this information helps
will depend on how much energy you put into applying this
approach.
When I look back on my aggressive boss situation I know that I
could have done even more to handle it better. So like you I am
always learning.
The important thing is to get started and keep heading in the
right direction. And take even one step each day to take you
forward.
NB: get help immediately if you are dealing with a violent individual
Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently
produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to
Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because
it is available for a limited time only at:
http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm
regarded as a self help classic. Have you read it?
I read it many years ago and I was disappointed by the content
of this book that has helped a lot of people take control of
their fears. Why? Because I believe we all have the power to go
far beyond feeling the fear.
And I really think it is important to learn how to transform fear
into courage by learning how to use more of your mind and how to
take charge of your emotions.
There are two ways to take fear and transform it into a different
emotional state:
- Release the fear by letting go of it.
- Change the way you represent the experience so that it no
longer makes you feel fearful.
Today I want to look at changing how you represent experiences to
yourself.
1 Pick a person you deal with on a regular basis who you find
intimidating. Get started by choosing someone who causes you to
feel mild fear.
2 Ask yourself -- what does it get me feeling fear around this
person?
Typically you will answer that the fear causes you to be more
alert and careful. However the irony is that when you feel fear
you are less capable of responding well to the challenges of the
situation.
Let me give you an example. When I lived the corporate sales life
a number of years ago I had a crazy boss.
He would scream down the phone at me, thump the desk with his
fist in meetings and threaten to fire me if certain goals were
not achieved. I never took this personally because he treated
other people in the same way. Still I did feel fear when dealing
with him.
What did I get by feeling fear?
It meant I was careful to say the right thing and to do my job to
the best of my abilities to ensure he had no reason to have
another go at me.
Nevertheless it was not an ideal situation!
3 If you cannot influence the behavior of the intimidator change
how you feel.
In the case of my boss I matched his behavior to get rapport.
When he shouted at me I raised my voice to speak back. When he
slammed the desk I became more animated in how I talked and I
used my hands more when expressing myself.
This pacing will help. However it is not enough you also need to
change how you feel.
Before you start working with the following approach make sure
you are feeling energetic and resourceful otherwise you could get
dragged back into the fear itself.
Now take a recent encounter with the intimidator and run the
scene in your mind as if you are watching it on TV. Pretend you
are outside the event watching as a bystander.
Next, distort the images until the other person looks absurd.
Dress the person in silly clothes or even no clothes! Change
their voice until it sounds squeaky like a cartoon character.
Slow down their speech until it sounds like a worn out tape. Then
speed up the speech until they sound like a bumble bee.
Play the scene backwards, upside down or with zero gravity. Do
whatever you have to until the scene is ludicrous.
Keep playing with the sounds and images until you are either
laughing or at least smiling when you think of the intimidator.
At this point you have turned fear into a more resourceful
emotional state. Well done!
When you are new to this technique you will need to run through
it several times until you get the hang of it. And for difficult
situations I recommend using it daily to shake off those
unpleasant feelings of fear you have associated to that person.
4 Keep the benefits of the fear and not the fear itself
After step 2 above you know how your fear is serving you.
Let us say the fear gives you alertness, safety and carefulness.
How are you going to behave carefully around the intimidator
without feeling the fear?
You need to write down or run through likely scenarios in your
mind until you are well prepared to handle whatever is thrown at
you.
This step is very important and you are in trouble if you skip it.
In my case I was mentally ready to work elsewhere, I saved up
some money so that if I did get fired it would not be the end of
the world and I was always careful to only promise what I knew I
could deliver.
If I had just changed how I felt without dealing effectively
with the situation I would have been in a very difficult
situation.
Your goal ought to be to feel resourceful and to be intelligent
in how you deal with difficult people.
Using these tips will help you. How much this information helps
will depend on how much energy you put into applying this
approach.
When I look back on my aggressive boss situation I know that I
could have done even more to handle it better. So like you I am
always learning.
The important thing is to get started and keep heading in the
right direction. And take even one step each day to take you
forward.
NB: get help immediately if you are dealing with a violent individual
Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently
produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to
Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because
it is available for a limited time only at:
http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm
Four Common Rapport Building Mistakes and How to Fix Them
1 Pretending You Are Interested When You Are Not
Do yourself a favor and be honest with yourself and the people
you spend time with. If you are really not interested in the
topic of conversation say so.
If possible change the subject or simply postpone that
particular conversation until another time.
Obviously if there is a danger of offending the other person you
will have to be less direct. In these situations it helps to find
out right away what the other person wants or expects from you.
Ask!
The conversation will right away become very relevant to you and
maintaining interest is a lot easier.
2 Disliking The Other Person
If you do not like the person you are talking to it will come
across at some level. Ask yourself -- what could I like about
this person? This will help put you in a better frame of mind.
And look for things you have in common by asking yourself - how
is this person like me?
We all have something in common and commonality builds rapport.
Look for it and you will find it.
If you mechanically attempt to get rapport with people while
secretly disliking them you will never get that deep rapport you
are aiming for. In fact if your focus is on how much you dislike
the person you will not even want rapport and instead you will be
setting yourself up for conflict.
3 Wanting Rapport With Everyone You Meet
I made this mistake when I first learned advanced
communication skills.
All of a sudden, for the first time, I was able to get rapport
with anyone I met. So I did.
And I recommend you do the same to a point. With one exception.
There are some people you do not want to be getting deep rapport
with.
Take someone who is like a raging bull with a deep resentment and
hate for themselves and other people. Do you really want to feel
the same way? If you get deep rapport you will feel some of the
same feelings.
While you may need to be effective around such people keep your
focus on your real goal. Deal effectively with the individual and
maintain your own emotional state regardless of how upset the other
person is.
Pay attention to your emotional state when dealing with negative
people, manipulative people and others who will drain your energy.
With these people rely more on the weakest element of rapport -
words. And manage your body language without following their lead.
4 Not Speaking Their Language
We all have one primary sense whether it be visual, auditory or
feelings based that dominates our perception of the world.
You need to get good at spotting which modality other people use
and match their world to get rapport quickly and easily.
If someone is in a visual mode their words will be dominated by
words that express what they see. For example the car is red with
a white soft top and a huge back seat.
Whereas the auditory person describes the car in a different way:
it sounds like a lion roaring when you start the engine and the
CD player fills the car with deep, rich sounds that dance around
your ears.
Finally the person most attuned to their feelings notices the
smooth soft sensation of the leather seats and the warm firm
feeling when they hold the steering wheel.
If you use the wrong modality for the person you are talking to
it makes it harder for him to understand you. You have to work
harder to get rapport.
And when you speak to several people at once make sure you use
visual, auditory and feeling words to make sure you appeal to
everyone.
Make a point of paying attention to the dominant modality your
friends and family use. And you may have a breakthrough when you
finally discover why you are not getting deep rapport with some
of them while more easily getting along with other people.
Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently
produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to
Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because
it is available for a limited time only at:
http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm
Do yourself a favor and be honest with yourself and the people
you spend time with. If you are really not interested in the
topic of conversation say so.
If possible change the subject or simply postpone that
particular conversation until another time.
Obviously if there is a danger of offending the other person you
will have to be less direct. In these situations it helps to find
out right away what the other person wants or expects from you.
Ask!
The conversation will right away become very relevant to you and
maintaining interest is a lot easier.
2 Disliking The Other Person
If you do not like the person you are talking to it will come
across at some level. Ask yourself -- what could I like about
this person? This will help put you in a better frame of mind.
And look for things you have in common by asking yourself - how
is this person like me?
We all have something in common and commonality builds rapport.
Look for it and you will find it.
If you mechanically attempt to get rapport with people while
secretly disliking them you will never get that deep rapport you
are aiming for. In fact if your focus is on how much you dislike
the person you will not even want rapport and instead you will be
setting yourself up for conflict.
3 Wanting Rapport With Everyone You Meet
I made this mistake when I first learned advanced
communication skills.
All of a sudden, for the first time, I was able to get rapport
with anyone I met. So I did.
And I recommend you do the same to a point. With one exception.
There are some people you do not want to be getting deep rapport
with.
Take someone who is like a raging bull with a deep resentment and
hate for themselves and other people. Do you really want to feel
the same way? If you get deep rapport you will feel some of the
same feelings.
While you may need to be effective around such people keep your
focus on your real goal. Deal effectively with the individual and
maintain your own emotional state regardless of how upset the other
person is.
Pay attention to your emotional state when dealing with negative
people, manipulative people and others who will drain your energy.
With these people rely more on the weakest element of rapport -
words. And manage your body language without following their lead.
4 Not Speaking Their Language
We all have one primary sense whether it be visual, auditory or
feelings based that dominates our perception of the world.
You need to get good at spotting which modality other people use
and match their world to get rapport quickly and easily.
If someone is in a visual mode their words will be dominated by
words that express what they see. For example the car is red with
a white soft top and a huge back seat.
Whereas the auditory person describes the car in a different way:
it sounds like a lion roaring when you start the engine and the
CD player fills the car with deep, rich sounds that dance around
your ears.
Finally the person most attuned to their feelings notices the
smooth soft sensation of the leather seats and the warm firm
feeling when they hold the steering wheel.
If you use the wrong modality for the person you are talking to
it makes it harder for him to understand you. You have to work
harder to get rapport.
And when you speak to several people at once make sure you use
visual, auditory and feeling words to make sure you appeal to
everyone.
Make a point of paying attention to the dominant modality your
friends and family use. And you may have a breakthrough when you
finally discover why you are not getting deep rapport with some
of them while more easily getting along with other people.
Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently
produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to
Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because
it is available for a limited time only at:
http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm
How to Quickly and Easily Deal With Rude People
Where I live there seems to be a a growing population of rude and
vulgar people. And no matter how hard I wish for things to change
it is not going to happen. It is up to me to change how I think
and feel about these people. The same applies for you.
1 What does it mean when someone is rude?
Your initial angry reaction may be to think the person is a moron
but that only makes matters worse as it will comes across in the
way you talk.
I prefer to view such behavior as evidence that the person is
doing the best he can with what he has. This belief makes it
easier for you to accept the person even though you may not like
his approach.
Look for the good in people and you are a lot more likely to find
it.
2 Is it your fault?
When you encounter vulgarity it is worth pausing to ask yourself
have you encouraged this behavior. Maybe you played along with
this gutter talk in the past so the person thinks you do not mind
it.
Or perhaps you have done something that has annoyed the person so
much they cannot control their anger and annoyance.
In either of these cases it is best to slowly lead the person
back to a polite discussion. You can do this by asking highly
specific questions that force the person to slow down and think
before replying.
If you honestly did not do anything to encourage the rudeness
you are clearly dealing with someone who habitually talks in this
way.
Unless you can change the person you just have to accept him as
he is.
3 What can you do?
Ultimately you have a choice - avoid dealing with vulgar people
where possible or join them! Only joking!
Seriously though if you cannot avoid them you need to remember
how to take charge of conversations. Plus you need to ensure you
remain strong and unaffected by their manner.
In the meantime you can achieve quite a lot by distinguishing
between the person and the way they deliver their message to you.
Look beyond their words to the real message they are trying to
convey.
We all have a bad day now and again maybe you just bumped into
them while they were stuck at a low point.
Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently
produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to
Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because
it is available for a limited time only at:
http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm
vulgar people. And no matter how hard I wish for things to change
it is not going to happen. It is up to me to change how I think
and feel about these people. The same applies for you.
1 What does it mean when someone is rude?
Your initial angry reaction may be to think the person is a moron
but that only makes matters worse as it will comes across in the
way you talk.
I prefer to view such behavior as evidence that the person is
doing the best he can with what he has. This belief makes it
easier for you to accept the person even though you may not like
his approach.
Look for the good in people and you are a lot more likely to find
it.
2 Is it your fault?
When you encounter vulgarity it is worth pausing to ask yourself
have you encouraged this behavior. Maybe you played along with
this gutter talk in the past so the person thinks you do not mind
it.
Or perhaps you have done something that has annoyed the person so
much they cannot control their anger and annoyance.
In either of these cases it is best to slowly lead the person
back to a polite discussion. You can do this by asking highly
specific questions that force the person to slow down and think
before replying.
If you honestly did not do anything to encourage the rudeness
you are clearly dealing with someone who habitually talks in this
way.
Unless you can change the person you just have to accept him as
he is.
3 What can you do?
Ultimately you have a choice - avoid dealing with vulgar people
where possible or join them! Only joking!
Seriously though if you cannot avoid them you need to remember
how to take charge of conversations. Plus you need to ensure you
remain strong and unaffected by their manner.
In the meantime you can achieve quite a lot by distinguishing
between the person and the way they deliver their message to you.
Look beyond their words to the real message they are trying to
convey.
We all have a bad day now and again maybe you just bumped into
them while they were stuck at a low point.
Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently
produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to
Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because
it is available for a limited time only at:
http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm
How to Take Control of your Self Confidence
Having confidence is all about believing in yourself and the only
way you can build your belief in what you are capable of is by
taking action in the world and learning through trial and error.
If you think success, happiness and love are going to happen
without learning through mistakes along the way you are mistaken.
Our brains are wired to learn from our own experiences as well as
those of others. Without experience how are you going to learn
anything?
Let me give you an example. At my local bank a number of weeks
ago I attempted to make small talk with the cashier and she
completely ignored me.
Last week I was in the bank and tried my small talk routine again,
and again I failed. She ignored me again!
There are a number of ways to view this situation:
1 My communication strategy is not working
2 I need to change my approach
3 I will learn from this experience and become better
A number of years ago I would have given this situation a
different analysis:
1 She is rude and ignorant. She thinks I am a moron
2 I feel crushed by this blatant rejection
3 My confidence depends on this person liking me
Notice the difference. My old outlook sets me up for pain and
frustration and puts the ball in the court of the other person.
My confidence depends on how the other person responds.
My new outlook puts me in control. I created the results I am
getting, I can choose to change my approach and I can decide to
learn and grow from every experience.
A second point worth mentioning is that of wanting something
from someone versus giving.
When you approach dealing with other people as getting something
from them you will always have confidence issues instead view
conversations as giving and you are back in control.
With the bank cashier if I want to get something from her I focus
on wanting her to accept me and this neediness will be picked up
by her. She is unlikely to respond positively to this.
If instead I give what I want then I will decide to accept her.
And she will receive my acceptance and likely reflect it back to
me.
My confidence then is based on giving - something I am in charge
of not someone else.
Now it is time for you to take this information and put it into
action.
Think of a situation where you are typically not as confident as
you would like to be.
If the reason is due to a lack of knowledge or ability then work
on that first. If you do have the necessary skills then decide to
take action and learn step by step from every experience.
Start with a small challenge and gradually step up to bigger ones.
Remember to use this outlook:
1 What is working and what is not working?
2 Change your approach until you get the results you want
3 Decide to learn from every experience
Your confidence is under your control and is not controlled by
someone else!
Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently
produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to
Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because
it is available for a limited time only at:
http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm
way you can build your belief in what you are capable of is by
taking action in the world and learning through trial and error.
If you think success, happiness and love are going to happen
without learning through mistakes along the way you are mistaken.
Our brains are wired to learn from our own experiences as well as
those of others. Without experience how are you going to learn
anything?
Let me give you an example. At my local bank a number of weeks
ago I attempted to make small talk with the cashier and she
completely ignored me.
Last week I was in the bank and tried my small talk routine again,
and again I failed. She ignored me again!
There are a number of ways to view this situation:
1 My communication strategy is not working
2 I need to change my approach
3 I will learn from this experience and become better
A number of years ago I would have given this situation a
different analysis:
1 She is rude and ignorant. She thinks I am a moron
2 I feel crushed by this blatant rejection
3 My confidence depends on this person liking me
Notice the difference. My old outlook sets me up for pain and
frustration and puts the ball in the court of the other person.
My confidence depends on how the other person responds.
My new outlook puts me in control. I created the results I am
getting, I can choose to change my approach and I can decide to
learn and grow from every experience.
A second point worth mentioning is that of wanting something
from someone versus giving.
When you approach dealing with other people as getting something
from them you will always have confidence issues instead view
conversations as giving and you are back in control.
With the bank cashier if I want to get something from her I focus
on wanting her to accept me and this neediness will be picked up
by her. She is unlikely to respond positively to this.
If instead I give what I want then I will decide to accept her.
And she will receive my acceptance and likely reflect it back to
me.
My confidence then is based on giving - something I am in charge
of not someone else.
Now it is time for you to take this information and put it into
action.
Think of a situation where you are typically not as confident as
you would like to be.
If the reason is due to a lack of knowledge or ability then work
on that first. If you do have the necessary skills then decide to
take action and learn step by step from every experience.
Start with a small challenge and gradually step up to bigger ones.
Remember to use this outlook:
1 What is working and what is not working?
2 Change your approach until you get the results you want
3 Decide to learn from every experience
Your confidence is under your control and is not controlled by
someone else!
Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently
produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to
Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because
it is available for a limited time only at:
http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm
How to Turn Around A Sinking Conversation - 7 Tips
When a conversation is not working out there is the potential for
massive frustration or a breakthrough depending on how you look at
it.
1 Question your assumptions about the other person
Perhaps the breakdown in communication is based on rumors that
have no basis in reality. You may be unfairly judging the other
person and filtering every word he speaks because of a false
image of who he really is.
Have you ever harshly judged someone and found out later you
were completely in the wrong? Make sure you are not making the
same mistake again.
2 Ask for clarification
Ask the other person to fill in the gaps that are causing you to
lose your grasp on the train of thought.
Asking questions demonstrates your interest in a positive outcome
and is to be encouraged. Never worry about looking stupid for
asking for more information. The smartest people value information
and are always ready to ask for more.
3 Are you really listening?
Check that you are really paying attention and not just
pretending to be. Change your posture, pay close attention to how
the other person is talking and demand more of yourself.
Become more attentive simply by choosing to be.
4 Address the issue directly
Be direct and say aloud that you feel the conversation is not
working out. Often the other person will agree and together the
two of you will be able to work to correct the situation.
Two minds are better than one!
5 Ask for help
If you often have trouble conversing with a particular person get
advice from someone that knows the other person. Very often by
doing this you will get new insights you can act on right away.
And someone who is removed from the situation will have the
objectivity you need to make sense of the chaos you have created.
6 Take a break
Sometimes the timing just is not right. Reschedule the
conversation for a later time when you are better prepared, more
rested or not as distracted by other issues.
Forcing something to work out when the odds are stacked against
you is difficult and often unnecessary. Get back to it later when
you are feeling more capable and you will make better decisions
and with less effort.
7 Aim for good not perfect
Sometimes we hold such high standards for ourselves that we can
never win. If you demand 100 per cent success at all times you are
setting yourself up for constant disappointment. Do your best and
aim to learn and improve from every experience.
Be kinder to yourself and you will be more relaxed in all of your
dealings with other people. And ironically your performance will
improve because you are not being so hard on yourself.
Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently
produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to
Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because
it is available for a limited time only at:
http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm
massive frustration or a breakthrough depending on how you look at
it.
1 Question your assumptions about the other person
Perhaps the breakdown in communication is based on rumors that
have no basis in reality. You may be unfairly judging the other
person and filtering every word he speaks because of a false
image of who he really is.
Have you ever harshly judged someone and found out later you
were completely in the wrong? Make sure you are not making the
same mistake again.
2 Ask for clarification
Ask the other person to fill in the gaps that are causing you to
lose your grasp on the train of thought.
Asking questions demonstrates your interest in a positive outcome
and is to be encouraged. Never worry about looking stupid for
asking for more information. The smartest people value information
and are always ready to ask for more.
3 Are you really listening?
Check that you are really paying attention and not just
pretending to be. Change your posture, pay close attention to how
the other person is talking and demand more of yourself.
Become more attentive simply by choosing to be.
4 Address the issue directly
Be direct and say aloud that you feel the conversation is not
working out. Often the other person will agree and together the
two of you will be able to work to correct the situation.
Two minds are better than one!
5 Ask for help
If you often have trouble conversing with a particular person get
advice from someone that knows the other person. Very often by
doing this you will get new insights you can act on right away.
And someone who is removed from the situation will have the
objectivity you need to make sense of the chaos you have created.
6 Take a break
Sometimes the timing just is not right. Reschedule the
conversation for a later time when you are better prepared, more
rested or not as distracted by other issues.
Forcing something to work out when the odds are stacked against
you is difficult and often unnecessary. Get back to it later when
you are feeling more capable and you will make better decisions
and with less effort.
7 Aim for good not perfect
Sometimes we hold such high standards for ourselves that we can
never win. If you demand 100 per cent success at all times you are
setting yourself up for constant disappointment. Do your best and
aim to learn and improve from every experience.
Be kinder to yourself and you will be more relaxed in all of your
dealings with other people. And ironically your performance will
improve because you are not being so hard on yourself.
Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently
produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to
Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because
it is available for a limited time only at:
http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm
What People Are Really Interested In & How to Win Friends
A lot of your people problems and concerns about what other
people think will fade into the background when you understand
one crucial reality.
Most people are interested in you only to the extent they can
get something from you.
I know this sounds harsh. Bear with me a moment while I explain.
Apart from your family and closest friends most other people see
you as either a hindrance or as a means to getting what they want.
If you can help them get what they want they will smile at you,
say you are wonderful and do whatever they can to keep you happy
and available in the future.
On the other hand if you stop being a means to the fulfillment
of their needs these very same people may well shun you, insult
you and have nothing to do with you.
Let me give you an example. You meet someone special and you
date. Things progress and a few weeks later you are both in love
and life has never been better. You are the center of the
universe for that person and whatever you desire is immediately
granted with a smile.
Fast forward three months and the same person is screaming down
the phone at you, saying how useless you are and never to call
again! What happened? How could something so good go so wrong?
In very simple terms you went from satisfying the other persons
emotional needs to not satisfying them. And the extreme change
in how they treat you is because of what I said at the beginning
of this article:
Most people are interested in you only to the extent they can
get something from you.
Whereas in the early days of the relationship you attended to all
of the other persons needs as time passed you grew complacent and
things slipped to the point that key needs went unsatisfied.
At one point you were the answer to this persons prayers but now
you serve no purpose in this persons life hence the anger and
annoyance.
How can you use this insight?
1 Be alert to the unspoken demands the people in you life place
on you. And understand that your relationships depend on the
meeting of these underlying needs.
2 If you want to be free of a relationship that is limiting you
then stop offering the demanded input whether that be advice,
time, acceptance or any other resource or support.
Be ready for fireworks though since your input will often be
taken for granted until you withdraw it.
3 Realize that when you feel self conscious there is no need to
be since most people are preoccupied being self conscious
themselves!
And as far as they are concerned you are a means to an end. If
John Friend phones you to go to the cinema it is so he will enjoy
your company and to avoid looking silly going there alone.
Of course the same applies to you and I. And it is the mutual
filling of needs that underpins interactions, friendships and
business relationships.
To sum up. We all want something from each other usually we are
looking to fill emotional needs and this is the way the world is.
Once you accept this you can use this understanding to look for
what people want from you and then meet their needs.
If you do this effectively you will never be short of friends and
people keen to spend time with you.
Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently
produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to
Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because
it is available for a limited time only at:
http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm
people think will fade into the background when you understand
one crucial reality.
Most people are interested in you only to the extent they can
get something from you.
I know this sounds harsh. Bear with me a moment while I explain.
Apart from your family and closest friends most other people see
you as either a hindrance or as a means to getting what they want.
If you can help them get what they want they will smile at you,
say you are wonderful and do whatever they can to keep you happy
and available in the future.
On the other hand if you stop being a means to the fulfillment
of their needs these very same people may well shun you, insult
you and have nothing to do with you.
Let me give you an example. You meet someone special and you
date. Things progress and a few weeks later you are both in love
and life has never been better. You are the center of the
universe for that person and whatever you desire is immediately
granted with a smile.
Fast forward three months and the same person is screaming down
the phone at you, saying how useless you are and never to call
again! What happened? How could something so good go so wrong?
In very simple terms you went from satisfying the other persons
emotional needs to not satisfying them. And the extreme change
in how they treat you is because of what I said at the beginning
of this article:
Most people are interested in you only to the extent they can
get something from you.
Whereas in the early days of the relationship you attended to all
of the other persons needs as time passed you grew complacent and
things slipped to the point that key needs went unsatisfied.
At one point you were the answer to this persons prayers but now
you serve no purpose in this persons life hence the anger and
annoyance.
How can you use this insight?
1 Be alert to the unspoken demands the people in you life place
on you. And understand that your relationships depend on the
meeting of these underlying needs.
2 If you want to be free of a relationship that is limiting you
then stop offering the demanded input whether that be advice,
time, acceptance or any other resource or support.
Be ready for fireworks though since your input will often be
taken for granted until you withdraw it.
3 Realize that when you feel self conscious there is no need to
be since most people are preoccupied being self conscious
themselves!
And as far as they are concerned you are a means to an end. If
John Friend phones you to go to the cinema it is so he will enjoy
your company and to avoid looking silly going there alone.
Of course the same applies to you and I. And it is the mutual
filling of needs that underpins interactions, friendships and
business relationships.
To sum up. We all want something from each other usually we are
looking to fill emotional needs and this is the way the world is.
Once you accept this you can use this understanding to look for
what people want from you and then meet their needs.
If you do this effectively you will never be short of friends and
people keen to spend time with you.
Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently
produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to
Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because
it is available for a limited time only at:
http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm
How To Deal With People Who Dislike You
When you read books on personal development and articles about
making your life better the emphasis is generally on the positive.
You learn all about deciding what you want and how to get it.
However you also need specific guidelines for dealing with
situations when nothing seems to be working despite your best
efforts.
One of the hardest things to deal with is the fact that some
people will dislike you no matter how wonderful you are. The
reasons why someone does not like you may be incorrect, unfair
or unjust. Yet they still affect how that person deals with you.
I recommend a three step plan to deal with this challenge:
1 Penetrate The Peer Group
Find the peer group of the person who dislikes you and seek to
make friends with people in this group. Build a positive
reputation with these people one at a time and your public image
will shift in the eyes of the person who you are having trouble
with.
This is like doing your own P.R. campaign directly to the people
who have the most influence over the opinions of the person who
dislikes you. Peer group pressure is a powerful way to change
the perceptions of a group member.
2 Find Reasons To Like The Person
When someone clearly dislikes you what usually happens next? You
start to actively dislike that person in return!
It becomes a feeding frenzy that can spiral out of control very
quickly. The other person sees your negative reaction to them and
responds accordingly. You feel and see how much disdain they have
for you and you respond with more hate. Like a game of tennis the
negative feelings bounce back and forth.
You can break this cycle. How? By deciding to find ways to like
the person. Here are two ways to get started:
1 Make a quick list of things you like or could like about this
person.
Be creative. The more reasons the better.
2 List the ways the person is like you.
This may be an eye opener because we often have very strong
reactions to people who display characteristics we dislike about
ourselves.
The more reasons you come up with the easier it will be for you
to feel positive towards the other person. This change in your
non verbal communication will be noticeable and will help ease
some of the tension in the air.
This is often when the dynamics of the relationship can shift
unexpectedly for the better. Deciding to like the other person
regardless of how they are behaving is the first step to making
this happen.
At the very least you will feel better. And when you feel better
it is a lot easier to find solutions to deal with these tricky
situations.
3 Take Baby Steps Towards Greater Rapport
With someone who dislikes you the same rules of rapport still
apply only you need to have more patience.
Aim to make slight gradual progress with the person in question
and over time you can shift the relationship from negative to
neutral and maybe even to positive.
And be kind to yourself if the whole situation still upsets you.
It is perfectly natural to feel uncomfortable when someone
dislikes you. However it is foolish to roll over and play dead.
Take charge of your communication with this person and aim to
improve the situation. The little progress you make will boost
your confidence and help you communicate even better with
everyone else you ever meet.
Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently
produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to
Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because
it is available for a limited time only at:
http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm
making your life better the emphasis is generally on the positive.
You learn all about deciding what you want and how to get it.
However you also need specific guidelines for dealing with
situations when nothing seems to be working despite your best
efforts.
One of the hardest things to deal with is the fact that some
people will dislike you no matter how wonderful you are. The
reasons why someone does not like you may be incorrect, unfair
or unjust. Yet they still affect how that person deals with you.
I recommend a three step plan to deal with this challenge:
1 Penetrate The Peer Group
Find the peer group of the person who dislikes you and seek to
make friends with people in this group. Build a positive
reputation with these people one at a time and your public image
will shift in the eyes of the person who you are having trouble
with.
This is like doing your own P.R. campaign directly to the people
who have the most influence over the opinions of the person who
dislikes you. Peer group pressure is a powerful way to change
the perceptions of a group member.
2 Find Reasons To Like The Person
When someone clearly dislikes you what usually happens next? You
start to actively dislike that person in return!
It becomes a feeding frenzy that can spiral out of control very
quickly. The other person sees your negative reaction to them and
responds accordingly. You feel and see how much disdain they have
for you and you respond with more hate. Like a game of tennis the
negative feelings bounce back and forth.
You can break this cycle. How? By deciding to find ways to like
the person. Here are two ways to get started:
1 Make a quick list of things you like or could like about this
person.
Be creative. The more reasons the better.
2 List the ways the person is like you.
This may be an eye opener because we often have very strong
reactions to people who display characteristics we dislike about
ourselves.
The more reasons you come up with the easier it will be for you
to feel positive towards the other person. This change in your
non verbal communication will be noticeable and will help ease
some of the tension in the air.
This is often when the dynamics of the relationship can shift
unexpectedly for the better. Deciding to like the other person
regardless of how they are behaving is the first step to making
this happen.
At the very least you will feel better. And when you feel better
it is a lot easier to find solutions to deal with these tricky
situations.
3 Take Baby Steps Towards Greater Rapport
With someone who dislikes you the same rules of rapport still
apply only you need to have more patience.
Aim to make slight gradual progress with the person in question
and over time you can shift the relationship from negative to
neutral and maybe even to positive.
And be kind to yourself if the whole situation still upsets you.
It is perfectly natural to feel uncomfortable when someone
dislikes you. However it is foolish to roll over and play dead.
Take charge of your communication with this person and aim to
improve the situation. The little progress you make will boost
your confidence and help you communicate even better with
everyone else you ever meet.
Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently
produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to
Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because
it is available for a limited time only at:
http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm
Dealing With Negative People Made Easy
I was playing tennis today with one of my tennis buddies. We
play once a week and we usually chat about work, professional
tennis players and local news.
Today he was very negative about the people of the area we live
in. According to him they are all thieves and crooks.
Now this makes me really angry when I hear him talking like this
since I have had very positive experiences with the people I have
dealt with locally. I find the locals to be very friendly,
helpful and considerate.
So we disagree on the facts. What can I do about his negative
thinking? What can you do when dealing with negative people?
Three Ways To Deal With Negative People
1 Get specific
When someone is caught up in negative thinking they will often
generalize their statements. It is a good idea to ask them
questions to clarify what they mean.
For example if my friend says all dogs are aggressive I will ask
him:
Small dogs or big dogs?
All dogs or certain breeds?
According to who?
In what kind of situations?
By doing this you can shift the perspective of the negative
person from a generalized over reaction to a highly specific
opinion. This will ease some of the negativity and the intensity
of their outburst.
2 Let Go
Let go of wanting to control the opinions of the people you deal
with no matter how negative they are. By all means talk to the
negative person and use your persuasion skills to help give them
a more positive outlook.
However remember that each of us is entitled to be negative,
wrong and inaccurate! Once you accept this you will not get so
stressed about wanting to change people who are negative.
And ironically when you stop trying to change people they can
almost sense that you accept them and so your words have more
impact.
3 Choose to Be Positive
When people around us are negative sometimes the easiest thing to
do is to join in. You do not have to. If you want to just go
ahead.
Otherwise find ways to maintain a positive attitude. Look for the
positives in the situation and point them out to people. Ask
yourself how you can use this opportunity to become better.
And refuse to get dragged down by others into the murky waters of
negativity no matter how bad it gets.
Being positive is a choice even when those around you have
slipped into negativity.
Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently
produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to
Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because
it is available for a limited time only at:
http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm
play once a week and we usually chat about work, professional
tennis players and local news.
Today he was very negative about the people of the area we live
in. According to him they are all thieves and crooks.
Now this makes me really angry when I hear him talking like this
since I have had very positive experiences with the people I have
dealt with locally. I find the locals to be very friendly,
helpful and considerate.
So we disagree on the facts. What can I do about his negative
thinking? What can you do when dealing with negative people?
Three Ways To Deal With Negative People
1 Get specific
When someone is caught up in negative thinking they will often
generalize their statements. It is a good idea to ask them
questions to clarify what they mean.
For example if my friend says all dogs are aggressive I will ask
him:
Small dogs or big dogs?
All dogs or certain breeds?
According to who?
In what kind of situations?
By doing this you can shift the perspective of the negative
person from a generalized over reaction to a highly specific
opinion. This will ease some of the negativity and the intensity
of their outburst.
2 Let Go
Let go of wanting to control the opinions of the people you deal
with no matter how negative they are. By all means talk to the
negative person and use your persuasion skills to help give them
a more positive outlook.
However remember that each of us is entitled to be negative,
wrong and inaccurate! Once you accept this you will not get so
stressed about wanting to change people who are negative.
And ironically when you stop trying to change people they can
almost sense that you accept them and so your words have more
impact.
3 Choose to Be Positive
When people around us are negative sometimes the easiest thing to
do is to join in. You do not have to. If you want to just go
ahead.
Otherwise find ways to maintain a positive attitude. Look for the
positives in the situation and point them out to people. Ask
yourself how you can use this opportunity to become better.
And refuse to get dragged down by others into the murky waters of
negativity no matter how bad it gets.
Being positive is a choice even when those around you have
slipped into negativity.
Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently
produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to
Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because
it is available for a limited time only at:
http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm
The Amazing Secret To Ridding Yourself Of Self Consciousness
One of the biggest challenges to developing superior
communication skills is that you already have your hands full in
those situations where you need help. Take a typical scenario -
meeting new people.
If I give you tips for listening more effectively and you rush
off to practice the tips you may not get very far no matter how
hard you try. Why? Because you are likely to be self conscious
when you need to be other conscious. Standing in front of the new
people you want to meet you freeze and you feel so unsure of
yourself that you cannot remember even one of the listening tips.
You need the ability to switch off self consciousness whenever
you choose to do so. Sounds obvious only how can you do this?
By switching your attention off of yourself and onto the other
person.
When you are feeling self conscious you will tend to pay too
much attention to the thoughts inside your head, how you are
feeling and how you look.
Ironically, to develop great rapport you need to pay close
attention to the other person. How is she feeling? How does she
look today? Is she relaxed or tense?
The Three Elements To Ridding Yourself Of Self Consciousness
1 Turn off the inner dialogue that makes you feel self conscious
One way to do this is to touch the roof of your mouth with your
tongue when you are not talking. We tend to move our tongues when
we engage in inner talk even if only very slightly. When you put
the tip of your tongue to the roof of your mouth you interrupt
the negative inner talk pattern.
Sounds simple. It is! I could write more and more about this tip
but it would not help you as much as just using it. I will leave
it to you to test it for yourself.
2 Give yourself a lot of external stimulation
To keep your focus off of yourself you need to put more and more
attention on the other person. If you only listen to her words
you still have plenty of idle brain power that will drift back to
make your self consciousness grow.
Instead you need to give your conscious mind so much to pay
attention to that you are totally absorbed in the other person.
Become fascinated by how she expresses herself and not just
by what she says.
Keep stacking on more details to simultaneously pay attention to
until you are challenged without feeling overwhelmed.
Here is a list of some elements to focus on:
- rate of breathing
- speech rhythm
- pupil dilation
- changes in skin tone
- speech patterns
- metaphors
- posture and movement
- combinations of the above
The more you pay attention to the other person the less self
conscious you will be because you will have become other
conscious. Which is in fact the hallmark of people who make
friends easily. Your clear interest in the other person will
shine through.
3 Patient Persistence
The final point to remember is that patience and persistence
wins the day. Play with these strategies a little each day and
you will start to exhibit the traits of people who are supposedly
gifted with people skills.
People skills are a matter of strategy. Learn the strategy,
practice it and you too will enjoy the benefits that come to
those who get along well with whoever they meet.
At the same time you need to earn the riches that await you.
Many know what to do but few do what they know.
Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently
produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to
Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because
it is available for a limited time only at:
http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm
communication skills is that you already have your hands full in
those situations where you need help. Take a typical scenario -
meeting new people.
If I give you tips for listening more effectively and you rush
off to practice the tips you may not get very far no matter how
hard you try. Why? Because you are likely to be self conscious
when you need to be other conscious. Standing in front of the new
people you want to meet you freeze and you feel so unsure of
yourself that you cannot remember even one of the listening tips.
You need the ability to switch off self consciousness whenever
you choose to do so. Sounds obvious only how can you do this?
By switching your attention off of yourself and onto the other
person.
When you are feeling self conscious you will tend to pay too
much attention to the thoughts inside your head, how you are
feeling and how you look.
Ironically, to develop great rapport you need to pay close
attention to the other person. How is she feeling? How does she
look today? Is she relaxed or tense?
The Three Elements To Ridding Yourself Of Self Consciousness
1 Turn off the inner dialogue that makes you feel self conscious
One way to do this is to touch the roof of your mouth with your
tongue when you are not talking. We tend to move our tongues when
we engage in inner talk even if only very slightly. When you put
the tip of your tongue to the roof of your mouth you interrupt
the negative inner talk pattern.
Sounds simple. It is! I could write more and more about this tip
but it would not help you as much as just using it. I will leave
it to you to test it for yourself.
2 Give yourself a lot of external stimulation
To keep your focus off of yourself you need to put more and more
attention on the other person. If you only listen to her words
you still have plenty of idle brain power that will drift back to
make your self consciousness grow.
Instead you need to give your conscious mind so much to pay
attention to that you are totally absorbed in the other person.
Become fascinated by how she expresses herself and not just
by what she says.
Keep stacking on more details to simultaneously pay attention to
until you are challenged without feeling overwhelmed.
Here is a list of some elements to focus on:
- rate of breathing
- speech rhythm
- pupil dilation
- changes in skin tone
- speech patterns
- metaphors
- posture and movement
- combinations of the above
The more you pay attention to the other person the less self
conscious you will be because you will have become other
conscious. Which is in fact the hallmark of people who make
friends easily. Your clear interest in the other person will
shine through.
3 Patient Persistence
The final point to remember is that patience and persistence
wins the day. Play with these strategies a little each day and
you will start to exhibit the traits of people who are supposedly
gifted with people skills.
People skills are a matter of strategy. Learn the strategy,
practice it and you too will enjoy the benefits that come to
those who get along well with whoever they meet.
At the same time you need to earn the riches that await you.
Many know what to do but few do what they know.
Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently
produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to
Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because
it is available for a limited time only at:
http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm
7 Simple Tips For Cultivating Tons Of Confidence
1 Spend time each day with confident people.
Their energy and inner strength is so inspiring that you will
find yourself feeling more empowered just by listening to them
talk.
And you can get tips from them. All you need to do is ask! Even
one good idea could point you in a whole new direction you would
not have otherwise considered.
2 Find a mentor.
Nearly all successful people have a mentor. You too need someone
who has already done what you are working to achieve who is
willing to advise you.
This person will help you to succeed even more quickly than you
can imagine. Remember, two minds are better than one.
When you have someone who believes in you and you have a plan you
believe in -- your confidence will soar.
3 Understand that confidence is only a feeling.
Have you ever felt confident? If you have ever felt confident
in any situation then you can feel confident again in the future.
How? By re-accessing that confident feeling. This is something
that is worth doing every day. Spend 15 minutes a day reliving
occasions in your life when you felt confident. Imagine it all
in rich detail and pay very close attention to the feelings of
confidence.
After only a few days, feeling confident will become a good habit.
4 List your reasons to be confident
Becoming aware of why you can be confident will help you get back
on track. Make a list of at least 50 reasons why you can be
confident today. Include previous successes, your skills and
qualities, your support network and your goals. Put down
everything that pops into your mind.
After you have done this you will have tapped into the power of
consistency. You will be under pressure to be consistent with
your own logic that stated you can be confident.
5 Make a public declaration
Tell someone whose opinion you value that you will be confident
at a particular event. Your desire to impress this person will
cause you to do all that you can to be at your very best.
And when you demand more of yourself you will be amazed at what
you can do. You will start finding solutions to problems that
left you stuck and you will seek advice from people who can help
you.
6 Preparation makes perfect
Have you ever watched a top sportsperson in action and wondered
to yourself at how easy she makes it look? Or listened to your
favorite music CD and felt inspired by the talent of the singer?
Think. How did these superstars get to the top? Practice,
practice and more practice. I read an article about Pavarotti,
the opera singer, and he said he practices daily and he still
learns something new about his voice each day!
When you spend more time honing your skills your confidence will
soar because you will know with certainty that you can and will
perform when the curtain goes up.
7 Self comparison is key
Compare your progress in life with your previous results. Look
to the success of others to learn and not to measure your own
success.
When you put your focus on the daily improvement of your own
skills and abilities you can and will grow very quickly. And your
confidence will surge.
Confidence without competence is a dangerous combination.
Make it easy for yourself and only engage in Self comparison when
you are assessing your progress. By doing this you will make it
easier to keep at it when the going gets tough and your
competence will grow day by day.
Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently
produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to
Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because
it is available for a limited time only at:
http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm
Their energy and inner strength is so inspiring that you will
find yourself feeling more empowered just by listening to them
talk.
And you can get tips from them. All you need to do is ask! Even
one good idea could point you in a whole new direction you would
not have otherwise considered.
2 Find a mentor.
Nearly all successful people have a mentor. You too need someone
who has already done what you are working to achieve who is
willing to advise you.
This person will help you to succeed even more quickly than you
can imagine. Remember, two minds are better than one.
When you have someone who believes in you and you have a plan you
believe in -- your confidence will soar.
3 Understand that confidence is only a feeling.
Have you ever felt confident? If you have ever felt confident
in any situation then you can feel confident again in the future.
How? By re-accessing that confident feeling. This is something
that is worth doing every day. Spend 15 minutes a day reliving
occasions in your life when you felt confident. Imagine it all
in rich detail and pay very close attention to the feelings of
confidence.
After only a few days, feeling confident will become a good habit.
4 List your reasons to be confident
Becoming aware of why you can be confident will help you get back
on track. Make a list of at least 50 reasons why you can be
confident today. Include previous successes, your skills and
qualities, your support network and your goals. Put down
everything that pops into your mind.
After you have done this you will have tapped into the power of
consistency. You will be under pressure to be consistent with
your own logic that stated you can be confident.
5 Make a public declaration
Tell someone whose opinion you value that you will be confident
at a particular event. Your desire to impress this person will
cause you to do all that you can to be at your very best.
And when you demand more of yourself you will be amazed at what
you can do. You will start finding solutions to problems that
left you stuck and you will seek advice from people who can help
you.
6 Preparation makes perfect
Have you ever watched a top sportsperson in action and wondered
to yourself at how easy she makes it look? Or listened to your
favorite music CD and felt inspired by the talent of the singer?
Think. How did these superstars get to the top? Practice,
practice and more practice. I read an article about Pavarotti,
the opera singer, and he said he practices daily and he still
learns something new about his voice each day!
When you spend more time honing your skills your confidence will
soar because you will know with certainty that you can and will
perform when the curtain goes up.
7 Self comparison is key
Compare your progress in life with your previous results. Look
to the success of others to learn and not to measure your own
success.
When you put your focus on the daily improvement of your own
skills and abilities you can and will grow very quickly. And your
confidence will surge.
Confidence without competence is a dangerous combination.
Make it easy for yourself and only engage in Self comparison when
you are assessing your progress. By doing this you will make it
easier to keep at it when the going gets tough and your
competence will grow day by day.
Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently
produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to
Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because
it is available for a limited time only at:
http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm
The Amazing Success Secret Anyone Can Start Using Today
The way we live today more and more emphasis seems to be placed
on career success, material gain and achievement. And in an
increasingly complex world sometimes it seems like technology and
rigid processes have become more important than the people they
were set up to serve.
However there is one success secret that costs nothing. And we can
all use it today to get ahead more quickly. I am talking about
cultivating exceptional people skills in a way that puts you
ahead of the crowd, in a way that respects and honors the people
you deal with in your life.
Ironically when we neglect people skills the complex business and
social infrastructure of our world can fall over in a moment. What
do I mean?
Have you ever walked into the store of a major nationwide retailer
and walked through the multimillion dollar premises only to find
nobody to serve you?
Have you ever phoned your bank and got a busy signal or even worse
got cut off despite their huge customer service focused
advertising campaigns.
How about in your workplace? Have you ever done a fantastic
job, stayed late to get it done and felt taken for granted? The
corporate slogan about caring for the welfare of the staff rings
hollow after this happens more than once.
On the other hand if you learn from the most successful
individuals and companies you will find one trait in common --
excellent people skills.
Here are three ways to become more successful by developing your
people skills:
1 Learn from people who manage to remain cheerful in the face of
massive challenges and stress.
A good friend of mine was on the verge of losing his business last
year but you would never have guessed it. He was always smiling
and confident things would get better. He somehow managed to still
treat his staff well even when he was worried about running out of
money.
By listening to him and watching him cope with extreme financial
pressure I learned a lot. His belief that everything would work
out kept him smiling even while facing some very dark hours.
You too need to become better under pressure. Anyone can cope well
when things are going well. It is only when you shine under
pressure that you prove to yourself and the world that you are
destined for better things.
2 Exceptional people skills happen at the margin.
To go from average to good and from good to excellent is possible
in a short time when you make incremental improvements each day.
You do not need to change your personality or go on a two week
course. Simply focus on listening skills, on non verbal
communication and on building confidence.
Read some good books, get advice from experts and apply what you
learn. By making only very slight improvements where it matters
most you will quickly develop exceptional people skills.
The very best performers in sport and in business are only
marginally better than their closest competitors and these slight
margins make all the difference between winning and losing.
Aim to make marginal improvements in your ability to communicate
with confidence and your results will improve dramatically. Now
would be a great time to get started!
3 Say what you mean and mean what you say
Mark Twain famously commented that common sense is not that common
and today sincerity and honesty are far from common either.
You can stand out from the crowd by making a point of saying what
you mean instead of saying what you think people want to hear.
Insincerity is a game you can never win as you are always living
in fear of getting caught out.
If you follow through on what you say people will respect you for
your integrity and you will be known and appreciated as someone
who can be counted on.
Be unusual -- hold yourself to a high standard of integrity and
commit to saying what you mean and doing what you say you will.
When you live like this each day other people develop confidence
in you and in what you say. And success in the world gets a whole
lot easier with a team of people who believe in you paving the
road ahead.
Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently
produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to
Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because
it is available for a limited time only at:
http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm
on career success, material gain and achievement. And in an
increasingly complex world sometimes it seems like technology and
rigid processes have become more important than the people they
were set up to serve.
However there is one success secret that costs nothing. And we can
all use it today to get ahead more quickly. I am talking about
cultivating exceptional people skills in a way that puts you
ahead of the crowd, in a way that respects and honors the people
you deal with in your life.
Ironically when we neglect people skills the complex business and
social infrastructure of our world can fall over in a moment. What
do I mean?
Have you ever walked into the store of a major nationwide retailer
and walked through the multimillion dollar premises only to find
nobody to serve you?
Have you ever phoned your bank and got a busy signal or even worse
got cut off despite their huge customer service focused
advertising campaigns.
How about in your workplace? Have you ever done a fantastic
job, stayed late to get it done and felt taken for granted? The
corporate slogan about caring for the welfare of the staff rings
hollow after this happens more than once.
On the other hand if you learn from the most successful
individuals and companies you will find one trait in common --
excellent people skills.
Here are three ways to become more successful by developing your
people skills:
1 Learn from people who manage to remain cheerful in the face of
massive challenges and stress.
A good friend of mine was on the verge of losing his business last
year but you would never have guessed it. He was always smiling
and confident things would get better. He somehow managed to still
treat his staff well even when he was worried about running out of
money.
By listening to him and watching him cope with extreme financial
pressure I learned a lot. His belief that everything would work
out kept him smiling even while facing some very dark hours.
You too need to become better under pressure. Anyone can cope well
when things are going well. It is only when you shine under
pressure that you prove to yourself and the world that you are
destined for better things.
2 Exceptional people skills happen at the margin.
To go from average to good and from good to excellent is possible
in a short time when you make incremental improvements each day.
You do not need to change your personality or go on a two week
course. Simply focus on listening skills, on non verbal
communication and on building confidence.
Read some good books, get advice from experts and apply what you
learn. By making only very slight improvements where it matters
most you will quickly develop exceptional people skills.
The very best performers in sport and in business are only
marginally better than their closest competitors and these slight
margins make all the difference between winning and losing.
Aim to make marginal improvements in your ability to communicate
with confidence and your results will improve dramatically. Now
would be a great time to get started!
3 Say what you mean and mean what you say
Mark Twain famously commented that common sense is not that common
and today sincerity and honesty are far from common either.
You can stand out from the crowd by making a point of saying what
you mean instead of saying what you think people want to hear.
Insincerity is a game you can never win as you are always living
in fear of getting caught out.
If you follow through on what you say people will respect you for
your integrity and you will be known and appreciated as someone
who can be counted on.
Be unusual -- hold yourself to a high standard of integrity and
commit to saying what you mean and doing what you say you will.
When you live like this each day other people develop confidence
in you and in what you say. And success in the world gets a whole
lot easier with a team of people who believe in you paving the
road ahead.
Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently
produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to
Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because
it is available for a limited time only at:
http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm
How to Talk to Yourself When Nobody is Listening
Do you ever pay attention to the thoughts inside your mind? And
more importantly do you ever notice the way in which you talk to
yourself?
We all pay a lot of attention to the way we communicate with the
outside world but we often neglect to improve the way we
communicate with ourselves.
When it comes to motivating yourself to be a better person, to do
better at work or to create a happier family life you need to
understand the importance of taking control of your self talk.
Here are three tips you can use right away to motivate yourself:
1 Talk to yourself the way you talk to someone you love
Be honest! Is it true you sometimes insult yourself, curse
yourself and say horrible things about your abilities?
If you spoke like this regularly to someone you care about they
would leave and never talk to you again. There is no excuse
for treating yourself so badly.
Talk to yourself the way you would talk to someone you deeply
love. Be respectful, patient and understanding. Be slow to anger,
quick to praise and grateful for the opportunity to listen.
Be on your best behavior when you talk to yourself and you will
find that you treat other people better as well. This in turn
will cause people to respond more positively to whatever you say.
These very people will be more inclined to help you get what you
want.
In an indirect way your communication with the outside world
will improve.
2 Pump up the volume
Very often we go through our day with an internal dialogue
buzzing away in the background. We mutter to ourselves about what
we need to do without feeling particularly inspired to do
anything other than what we have to do.
This is not an effective strategy for self motivation!
What you need to do instead is to turn up the volume, inject some
passion into your words and talk to yourself with enthusiasm. You
would not have much luck motivating someone else to take action
without putting some energy into your words. You need to do the
same to motivate yourself.
The next time you want to motivate yourself to do something talk
to yourself the same way you would if someone was standing
before you waiting to be inspired.
Speak loudly with passion and excitement either aloud or to
yourself inside your head. The more energy you put into it the
easier it will be to light the fire inside you that sparks you
into action.
3 Know how to feel good when you are having a tough day
No matter how focused, positive and hard working you are there
will still be days when nothing seems to go your way. It is on
days like this that you must take charge of your brain and take
control of your self talk.
You need a back catalogue of memories you can replay to make
yourself feel good. Music does it for me. I have so many songs I
love to hear that I just pick one out and listen to it in my mind.
In a moment I can listen to sounds that make me feel fantastic
simply by choosing to. For best results imagine you have a volume
control with bass and treble. Make the music sound rich, loud and
resonant.
A friend of mine has such a great memory that he will listen to
an entire CD in his mind. How about that for a quick and easy way
to feel good whenever you are having a tough day?
One final way to use this tip. Replay happy memories of people
telling you how much they value and appreciate you. Hear them
saying what a difference you are making and soak up those
wonderful feelings of appreciation.
It really is your choice as to how you run your brain. Choose to
feel great and your communication with yourself and the outside
world will become remarkable. Your motivation will soar and
getting more done each day will just get easier and easier with
eager people lining up to help you.
Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently
produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to
Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because
it is available for a limited time only at:
http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm
more importantly do you ever notice the way in which you talk to
yourself?
We all pay a lot of attention to the way we communicate with the
outside world but we often neglect to improve the way we
communicate with ourselves.
When it comes to motivating yourself to be a better person, to do
better at work or to create a happier family life you need to
understand the importance of taking control of your self talk.
Here are three tips you can use right away to motivate yourself:
1 Talk to yourself the way you talk to someone you love
Be honest! Is it true you sometimes insult yourself, curse
yourself and say horrible things about your abilities?
If you spoke like this regularly to someone you care about they
would leave and never talk to you again. There is no excuse
for treating yourself so badly.
Talk to yourself the way you would talk to someone you deeply
love. Be respectful, patient and understanding. Be slow to anger,
quick to praise and grateful for the opportunity to listen.
Be on your best behavior when you talk to yourself and you will
find that you treat other people better as well. This in turn
will cause people to respond more positively to whatever you say.
These very people will be more inclined to help you get what you
want.
In an indirect way your communication with the outside world
will improve.
2 Pump up the volume
Very often we go through our day with an internal dialogue
buzzing away in the background. We mutter to ourselves about what
we need to do without feeling particularly inspired to do
anything other than what we have to do.
This is not an effective strategy for self motivation!
What you need to do instead is to turn up the volume, inject some
passion into your words and talk to yourself with enthusiasm. You
would not have much luck motivating someone else to take action
without putting some energy into your words. You need to do the
same to motivate yourself.
The next time you want to motivate yourself to do something talk
to yourself the same way you would if someone was standing
before you waiting to be inspired.
Speak loudly with passion and excitement either aloud or to
yourself inside your head. The more energy you put into it the
easier it will be to light the fire inside you that sparks you
into action.
3 Know how to feel good when you are having a tough day
No matter how focused, positive and hard working you are there
will still be days when nothing seems to go your way. It is on
days like this that you must take charge of your brain and take
control of your self talk.
You need a back catalogue of memories you can replay to make
yourself feel good. Music does it for me. I have so many songs I
love to hear that I just pick one out and listen to it in my mind.
In a moment I can listen to sounds that make me feel fantastic
simply by choosing to. For best results imagine you have a volume
control with bass and treble. Make the music sound rich, loud and
resonant.
A friend of mine has such a great memory that he will listen to
an entire CD in his mind. How about that for a quick and easy way
to feel good whenever you are having a tough day?
One final way to use this tip. Replay happy memories of people
telling you how much they value and appreciate you. Hear them
saying what a difference you are making and soak up those
wonderful feelings of appreciation.
It really is your choice as to how you run your brain. Choose to
feel great and your communication with yourself and the outside
world will become remarkable. Your motivation will soar and
getting more done each day will just get easier and easier with
eager people lining up to help you.
Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently
produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to
Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because
it is available for a limited time only at:
http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm
4 Quick, Easy Ways to Say No to People Who Take You for Granted
No matter how wonderful you are sometimes other people will try
to take advantage of your good nature. They will push you, get
you to do more than your fair share and keep asking you to do
even more.
And worst of all -- often your efforts will be taken for granted.
Unless you can say No, the situation will not change in fact it
may get even more difficult.
That is unless you can say No to these unreasonable people
because very often to win respect from people you have to
sometimes say No.
Here are 4 great ways to stand up for yourself and say No:
1 Soften the No
Instead of shouting No at the person and creating an
uncomfortable encounter you can instead soften the No by
postponing your help.
For example --
- No, I am busy right now but I can help you in 40 minutes time
- No, I have other things to do at the moment
- Right now I do not have a free moment maybe later on
- I would love to help but not at this minute, try John
What you are doing is softening the No by saying not now rather
than an outright No. This is a lot easier to do especially when
dealing with people who intimidate you.
2 Negotiate
To deal with people who want your help but are slow to help you
-- negotiate! When they want something from you, you have the
power - use it!
Say you are happy to help on one condition -- that they help you
immediately when you seek their help. They will usually agree
because they have to! If they say No, again as above, postpone
helping them if you can.
There are some people who view the world in terms of what is in
it for them and the concerns of others are of secondary
importance. With these people you are wasting your time talking
about your needs.
For that reason you have to link your needs to their gains by
negotiating - tell them they will get what they want IF you get
what you want.
3 Say No When You Do Not Care About the Outcome
When you are flexing this new found ability to say No for the
first time use every opportunity to get some practice e.g.
- In a restaurant, say no to the first table you are offered
- at home say No to coffee when everyone else says Yes, have tea
- In a store say yes to an offer of help but No to the product
What I mean is to say No when you are dealing with people whose
approval is not that important to you. You will quickly learn
through experience that it is not the end of the world if you
say no and the other person is not pleased with you.
4 Say No to the Big Request and Yes to a Smaller One
Sometimes you are going to be asked to do more than your fair
share. If you cannot avoid the job you may need to consider
doing part of it.
A good way to handle these requests is to offer to do part
of the job but not all of it. For example:
- I will clean 2 rooms if you do the other 3 rooms
- I can do 5 pages of the report as long as you give me the data
- If you start the project I will finish it
By standing up for yourself on small points you will gradually
assert yourself more often on the big issues. The main thing is
to get started today on winning back control of your interactions
with anyone who pushes you too far.
Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently
produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to
Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because
it is available for a limited time only at:
http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm
to take advantage of your good nature. They will push you, get
you to do more than your fair share and keep asking you to do
even more.
And worst of all -- often your efforts will be taken for granted.
Unless you can say No, the situation will not change in fact it
may get even more difficult.
That is unless you can say No to these unreasonable people
because very often to win respect from people you have to
sometimes say No.
Here are 4 great ways to stand up for yourself and say No:
1 Soften the No
Instead of shouting No at the person and creating an
uncomfortable encounter you can instead soften the No by
postponing your help.
For example --
- No, I am busy right now but I can help you in 40 minutes time
- No, I have other things to do at the moment
- Right now I do not have a free moment maybe later on
- I would love to help but not at this minute, try John
What you are doing is softening the No by saying not now rather
than an outright No. This is a lot easier to do especially when
dealing with people who intimidate you.
2 Negotiate
To deal with people who want your help but are slow to help you
-- negotiate! When they want something from you, you have the
power - use it!
Say you are happy to help on one condition -- that they help you
immediately when you seek their help. They will usually agree
because they have to! If they say No, again as above, postpone
helping them if you can.
There are some people who view the world in terms of what is in
it for them and the concerns of others are of secondary
importance. With these people you are wasting your time talking
about your needs.
For that reason you have to link your needs to their gains by
negotiating - tell them they will get what they want IF you get
what you want.
3 Say No When You Do Not Care About the Outcome
When you are flexing this new found ability to say No for the
first time use every opportunity to get some practice e.g.
- In a restaurant, say no to the first table you are offered
- at home say No to coffee when everyone else says Yes, have tea
- In a store say yes to an offer of help but No to the product
What I mean is to say No when you are dealing with people whose
approval is not that important to you. You will quickly learn
through experience that it is not the end of the world if you
say no and the other person is not pleased with you.
4 Say No to the Big Request and Yes to a Smaller One
Sometimes you are going to be asked to do more than your fair
share. If you cannot avoid the job you may need to consider
doing part of it.
A good way to handle these requests is to offer to do part
of the job but not all of it. For example:
- I will clean 2 rooms if you do the other 3 rooms
- I can do 5 pages of the report as long as you give me the data
- If you start the project I will finish it
By standing up for yourself on small points you will gradually
assert yourself more often on the big issues. The main thing is
to get started today on winning back control of your interactions
with anyone who pushes you too far.
Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently
produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to
Developing Communication Confidence. Apply now because
it is available for a limited time only at:
http://www.howtotalkwithconfidence.com/report.htm
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)